Saying Goodbye to 2009

A new year is upon us. I am looking forward to what the new year has to offer. A new little girl on her way, and praying she makes it here safely. On the other hand, we have to leave 2009 in the past. Which means the day we lost Gavin and Parker. Courtney from The Peeks said it perfectly. 2009 was the year I became a mother. I don't want to leave that behind. I don't want my boys to become a thing in the past. Although that was the worst day in my life, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. These two sweet boys have been blessings in our lives. They have changed us for the better. I am grateful for the time I had with them, and even though they are gone love still lives on. It is bittersweet, but yet I guess everything is always going to be bittersweet.

Christmas

I haven't had the chance to post yet about Christmas. Chad and I went home to visit my family for Christmas. Which was so great. I didn't want to be anywhere else (well besides with my boys, but that is not possible). It was difficult knowing that Parker and Gavin were missing. Instead of Chad and I each holding a baby, I held my two year old cousin while she opened her gifts. That will be the hardest part of everything I do, knowing that something is missing. That sting will always be with me.

On the other hand, I did get some gifts in remembrance of Gavin and Parker. We got some ornaments and a solar powered cross to put at their grave. It was nice for people to acknowledge my pain.





Here is the tree that we put up for Parker and Gavin.


We also had Christmas cards done. I didn't know if I wanted to do them at first, but then I had to let everyone know that Gavin and Parker are still very much apart of of lives. Chad and I are holding their bears and blue flowers. I had four, two white and two blue, but you can only see three. Then we decided to only have the flowers in color so we colored all of them blue. Then on the back, we have a picture of just the bears and flowers.

Our friend is expecting

I just found out that a friend of Chad and mine is expecting. I am so upset. Why am I so upset? I should be happy for them, I guess. Even though we are expecting also, it is not the same. I just imagine Chad and I having our boys and everyone being crazy over them. Now they are going to have a baby around the same time. I sound crazy and I don't know how to put what I am feeling in words. It just should not be this way. Its not fair. I want my boys back. Why my sweet, innocent boys!

Faith's Lodge

Faith's Lodge was so beautiful. It is hard to put into words. It was so relaxing. I needed the time to get away from the "real" world. For a whole week I did not touch my phone or computer. I talked to no one from my real life. It was a whole week focused on my children.

Faith's lodge was in the middle of the country, surrounded by tress. It has eight guest rooms, a great room, library, dining room, kitchen, craft room, toy room for children, movie room, eagles nest (relaxing room), and an indoor porch. All of the rooms are heated my fireplace. Outside they have a lake, basketball court, fire pit, and a path of inspiration trail. Dinner was served every night. There was a continental breakfast every morning. For lunch all the food was provided and you could cook whatever you liked. You could also go to the local restaurants anytime you wanted. There was also a craft schedule every day that focused on your children. You could participate in as little or as much as you wanted. We also had one support group.

We met some great people while we were at Faith's Lodge. It was weird to leave, but we will stay in contact. You can go to Faith's Lodge website to find out more details and found a time that is right for you to visit this wonderful place. I wish there were more of these places around. Well enough of me talking here are the pictures.


Front of Faith's Lodge


Front Desk


This is the front table where we put on children's pictures and momentum's.




Great Room


Kitchen


Part of Dinning Room


Movie Room


Library


Eagle's Nest




Our Room


Back of Building


Fire Pit

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to wish everyone a peaceful Thanksgiving. It is hard to be thankful when your world has been taken from you. I miss Parker and Gavin more than words can say. I know it is hard for people to understand what Chad and I are going through, but they have to give us our space. Maybe some day I will find meaning as to why our boys were taken from us, but as of today I am still hurting beyond what words can explain.

Gavin and Parker, I hope you boys are having a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I know you are watching down from up above. Mommy and daddy love you with all our hearts.

Ramblings

I think about posting every day because I have so much to say, but I just don't know how to put what I am feeling into words. I just feel like I am all alone in this. It is a strange feeling that I cannot explain. Nobody mentions the boy's anymore. that even the people who were always there in the beginning. Working at Gymboree, I have seen two set of twins in the last couple of weeks. Both times I started crying, and nobody says anything. Do I had the pain so well that everyone thinks I have forgotten about Parker and Gavin?

I have nightmares all night long. When I wake up, I feel like I have been up all night. It is emotionally draining. They are always about the boys. It is either reliving their birth/death, or a family member doing something wrong, to someone else living the life I should be living right now.

Again, I am dreading the Holidays. The funeral home that helped us with boys sent be a booklet about the holidays. One section talks about giving yourself permission to do what you feel is right. "A good rule is-if it hurts, don't do it. If it is so painful that you cannot think about it without reacting, then leave it alone for a time." It also tells you to be where you are the most comfortable. I feel this way, and some people do not understand why I can't be around them. I cannot explain why I am more comfortable in some settings and not in others. There are just some people that I feel more relaxed around, and it doesn't mean that I don't like anyone less, or that those people did anything wrong. My family and friends don't seem to grasp this point. The book tells you to go to those spots you are comfortable with, and don't feel guilty about it. "You may forget with whom you laughed, but you will never forget with whom you wept." I need to find somewhere I feel safe and comfortable, and I am not yet sure where that is.

On the bright side, Chad and I are going to Faith's Lodge next week. It is a place for bereaved families to go and just escape from the real world. I am so ready for it. I need to just get away and spend a whole week focused on Parker and Gavin. I will be sure to you guys all about it and post pictures when we get back.

I have still been reading the blogs, but I hope everyone is doing alright.

Hard time lately

These last few days have been hard. I miss my boys so much. I don't understand why they had to be taken from us. I watch Grey's Anatomy and I missed the second episode of this season, so I watched it online today. It is all about grief, and I cried through the whole thing. It touched on exactly I feel. I just want to get away, but I have no where to go. And the holidays. Man I don't even want to think about that. I want to be alone because I know nobody will understand. Everyone is going to be excited and happy because they should around the holidays, but I'm not. My children should be here with me, but what am I going to do. I can't even lock myself in my own house because right now we are staying with Chad's parents. My life is such a mess right now. I am so overwhelmed with everything.

Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, as many of you know. I am so mad at myself for not posting it on here so my family could light candles in remembrance of Gavin and Parker. Anyway I lit every candle in the house for the boys and all the other baby angels. Sadly it wasn't even close to covering all of them. For the whole hour I listened to the boys music and looked at their pictures. I wrote a letter to them and cried the whole time. I think I needed that cry. I saw a couple people posted this video on their blogs, and I wanted to share it with my family and friends. It is from the Stillbirth Foundation in Australia. This video sums it all up. In Australia SIX babies die every day. Just imagine the number in the United States.



I received a comment from Bree to say that she made butterflies in memory of the boys. They are absolutely beautiful, and I love them. That couldn't have came at a better time. I also asked her to send them to me, so I can keep them. I don't know what I would do without my babylost momma friends. Thank you Bree.

6 months

Today was 6 months from the day we said hello and goodbye to Parker and Gavin. We went home this weekend to visit the boys and we got a nice surprise. We were at the grave side and out of nowhere here come two dogs. They came right up to us. They let us pet them for just a few seconds and then they were gone. Nobody else was in the cemetery.It was our boys coming to just say hi. They were letting us know that they are alright. We miss them so much. I cannot believe it has been 6 months already. It feels like it just happen yesterday.

Pictures & Good News

I finally put all the pictures on the computer so here we go.

Here is the Angel of hope where our brick was placed.








Chad's brother also got married, so here is a picture of Chad and I in front of the ice sculpture.



So now for the good news. Chad and I found out we are expecting again. I am only 6 weeks. I created another blog for the new baby because I want this one to be left for only Parker and Gavin. We all love them and I will never let anyone forget them. So the new blog is www.rainbowbaby1.blogspot.com

Awhile

It has been a long time since I have wrote. Anger has just consumed me. I cannot post all my feelings on here for fear of hurting other people. So I keep them between my groups and therapist.

I have been keeping myself really busy. I am taking a full schedule at school, and every shift available at work I take. I still read the blogs every day. But it seems that every time I read them I just get sick to my stomach, and I can't write.

A few weeks ago we got our brick at the angel of hope. I have been to lazy to put pictures on computer, but I will get to it. The brick reads: Sweet Baby Boys Parker & Gavin Lewis 4-4-09. The ceremony was very nice.

I ran across a poem on the Share message boards that I would like to share. Here it is.
I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today

I feel like I am just singing the same old song, I feel like people just want the old me back, but that will never happen. I am who I am now, and people need to get used to that. I know many people are surprised by how I act. They never thought I had it in me to be so angry. They have no idea what I am going through. I really do not wish this on anybody, but if it ever happens to one of them, I know they will be apologizing to me for treating me the way they do.

No matter what happens, I am never going to let people forget about Parker and Gavin. They are our first children, they are the first grandchildren, and nobody will ever take that away from them. I'll be damn sure about that.I better go before the anger comes out, and god forbid I upset somebody. Thank you to all my blog friends for understanding and listening to me vent.

Our 4th Anniversary

I didn't get a change to post yesterday, but it was Chad and my 4th anniversary. It was a good relaxing day. I just can't believe we have been together for four years. It has been a great, but hard road. I know we can survive this though. We have a good and strong relationship, which I think is great for our age. He is a great guy, and I really couldn't ask for more. I am so thankful for him. Chad is my best friend. I love him so much.

Sign

Chad got a sign from Parker and Gavin yesterday, or at least we believe it is a sign. Chad and I find comfort in listening to music, so we downloaded a bunch of them that dealt with the loss of children. One of them was Elton John, Blessed. Chad was listening to his Ipod at work and he had it on shuffle. That song came on, and when it was over it just started again. Chad said in all his life he has never had the same song play twice in a row when it was on shuffle. I think that is so great that our boys are watching over their daddy. Got the first sign from them letting him know they are alright. I can't wait for my sign.

Thank you sweet boys, for letting Daddy know you are with him.

EDD

Well today, or I guess yesterday now, was my expected due date, August 8. As most of you know this day is the hardest ever. Right now I should be having two beautiful little boys. The day was an alright day overall. This morning I had a little meltdown, but the rest of the day was good. Chad and I tried to go hiking, but of course the was a heat advisory so that just made it miserable. So after walking for all about fifteen minutes lol, we went to see The Hurt Locker, which is in the top three best war movies. After that we went down on Main Street in St. Charles and did a little shopping at the antique stores. For dinner, we grabbed Subway and went to eat at the Angel of Hope. The Angel of Hope is a child statue with wings, and a place of healing for bereaved parents. You can buy a brick to be engraved and placed there. Our brick will be there in October so pictures to come. But there is a picture below of the angel with two white roses for the boys. Of course with our luck there was a wedding going on there, so that kinda rushed us.

Also, while we were there Chad gave me a set if rings. They are two rings intertwined with the boys' names stamped on there. It is so cool. When I figured out a way to get a picture of it I will post, but for now here is the website. www.nelleandlizzy.com For the rest of the night we just played cards with Chad's parents and their friends. So overall it was a good day, but I missed my boys like crazy.

Parker and Gavin, mommy and daddy miss you so much. Remember sweet babies, let Jesus hold you until mommy and daddy can hold you. We Love You!

4 month Angelversary

Today is Parker and Gavin's 4 month angelversary. Life is just so different from what I had imagine. Right now in my dreams I would have two newborn babies at home. I should be runnning on a few hours a of sleep and going crazy because they won't stop crying. Instead I am running on a few hours of sleep and going crazy because the pain of them not being here is unbearable. I miss them so much, more than anything. I would do and give anything to just hold them for one more day. All I can do is wish that one day I will again.

Next Time

I keep catching myself saying next time I will do this, and next time I will do that. I did so many things wrong, that next time I will do it right. Why am I doing this? I don't want there to be a next time. I don't want this is to ever happen again. I don't think I could make it through this again. My heart goes out to you ladies who have had to go through this more than once. I just feel like there is no hope anymore. I need to get that 'next time' crap out of my head.

Not doing so well

I am not getting along so well right now. I haven't slept in days, and when I do get some sleep I have horrible nightmares. My mind does run wild when I lay down. I think about everything. I think about what I need to do, and should be. I was on ambien for two and a half months, but I don't want to get addicted to any sleeping pills. That is why I don't take anything.

I also just don't feel comfortable anymore. Chad and I moved out of our house, and I know this post will make some people upset, but I am just not comfortable. This move is the hardest thing for me. It is partly my fault, if I could get the courage to go back to work full time at the daycare we would be alright. I wish Chad and I could just move far away from everything. I want to start our lives over. It is hard for me to be comfortable when I don't have my own space. This next year is going to be a struggle for me. Hopefully, in the next couple months I can go back to working full time.

Poor Chad. He is trying so hard to make everything work. He is taking on so much, and I am so thankful for him. I know he is so stressed out. He is the only one stopping me from going crazy.

Lately, I have thought a lot about going to see a therapist. I really want to. I just don't want to mess with the insurance people again. I have been messing with them since we lost Parker and Gavin, and we finally got it all figured out. I don't want to talk to them any more. Everything is so crazy and stressful. I just don't know how to handle all this stuff I have bottled up. I let it all out on Chad, but it doesn't help him. He wants to help me so much, but can't. I have no where else to turn, without upsetting somebody. I can't even tell how I truly feel on here because everyone reads it.

Television & Sleep

Every television show I have always watch has pregnant women now. It is like a baby boom. I don't understand. It is like it is being directed right at me. They are just trying to rub it in my face.

I just want to feel a little one moving around inside of me. I want to be out buying baby things. I just want to hold a baby. I want to be changing diapers, and cleaning up spit up. All the things mothers complain about, I want to be doing right now.

Nights are the worst for me, and I am not sure why. I get this pit in my stomach. It is hard to explain. It starts about eight and goes till about one in the morning. When we lay down to sleep, Chad passes out right away. Me, on the other hand, I can't sleep in our bed. I always have to get up and go to the couch. The only thing I can think of is that our bed is where the boys were created. Is that insane? Can there be any other reasons why I can't sleep in our bed?

Caregivers

Last post from the book Dear Parents-Letters to Bereaved Parents. This letter is from a caregiver. It talks about the way family members act towards a loss.

"I am aware that some of your painful moments have been those in which someone was trying to help and didn't know how. Most of those sayings come from people who think they are helping, even if they aren't. So, how can you respond? Don't gloss it over, because to do so would not be living with honesty and integrity about your feelings. On the other hand, try not to respond out of rage you may feel. Understand that people who hurt you are almost always trying to help."-Janice

To start off with, it is the things people say that make the loss so much harder. Although I do understand that they are trying to help. It just doesn't make sense that we have to put our energy into educating them. Why aren't they trying to go out and find information on their own? I sound like a broken record.

I also have this other problem. I want people to be here for me, and to have people feel sorry Chad and I. One the other hand, I don't want people calling every day. It goes back to those contradictions. What do you do?

Grief is all we have

Alright, I found another letter I need to comment about in the book, Dear Parents-Letters to Bereaved Parents. This letter is from Marion Cohen. Her daughter, Kerin, died shortly after birth in 1977. In this letter she states three pieces about grief that is important to her.

"1. Don't try to forget, don't not-dwell on it, don't deny, and don't deny your grief. Grief is what you have instead of your child and you need at least that.

2. Don't try to avoid ambivalences and contradictions, in the months to come, you will encounter many. You'll feel ashamed, you'll feel proud. You'll feel guilty; you'll feel powerless. You'll want to know your normal; yet you'll have times of wanting you and your child to be special. You'll want time to pass, yet you'll feel time taking you farther and farther away from your child. Let yourself feel what you feel, even if one feeling contradicts another.

3. Try to identify activities that feel helpful to you, that feel most right. Now is the time to be selfish. You are the most important person in the drama. Don't worry about social obligations. I warn you that nothing will be very helpful, and nothing will feel right, not really. Everything will have a nightmarish tint. But as time passes, there will be more and more things that help, fewer things that hurt." -Marion

I couldn't agree more with these three things. Right now there are so many things going on that I don't want to attend. But my family and friends don't understand. They say that I have to be there, how could I not. The real question is how could I? My baby boys should be here with me. And if they aren't going to acknowledge Parker and Gavin and my feelings, I don't need to be there. It has only been three and a half months. I want to be selfish right now, just like Marion said to be. I need people to still feel sorry for Chad and I. We can't be expected to attend weddings and birthday parties. We need to be left alone to decide what we are attending, and when we are attending. I don't like being pressured to do what you think I should do.

Like Marion said grief is all we have left. Don't rush us through it. I need and want to dwell on it. All I am asking for is time. I need my time. Sometimes I want people to be here, sometimes I want to be alone. Every day is different. Just support me in what I need at the time.

Brave or Survival?

So I started reading this book. It is called Dear Parents- Letters to Bereaved Parents. I love it so far. It shares all the emotions that I am feeling. I will probably be posting a lot about this book. They put my feelings into words. Here is one passage I would like to talk about.

"I weary of hearing how brave I am. I weary of people saying 'I don't think I could go through what you've been through.' I'm no stronger nor weaker than they. We all do what we have to do when we don't have any choice. Sure, I act normal. Sure, I smile and crack a joke. That's not brave.......that's survival. They don't see me at night."-Sandy

Man if I had a dollar for every time I heard that from people. Everyone says I am so strong. If it ever happened to them they wouldn't be able to get out of bed. Trust me, most days all I want to do is lay in bed, but you do what you have to.

Birthday Party

Tonight, Chad's family had a mixed birthday party for every one's birthday in July. Mine happens to be in July. It was a really nice gesture, but this birthday is not one for celebrating. My boys should be here with us. Chad's grandma brought her little dog, and everyone was fusing over her. Everybody should be fusing over newborn twins. Parker and Gavin are our first children, first grand children, and the first set of twins. You can imagine how much attention they would have gotten. Now they don't get any attention. It just hurts so much. I miss them more than anything, and every where I go I think that they should be here with us.

The Things Kid's Say

So I have started this job, and it is kinda like a nanny. I am helping out a women who is raising five children all on her own. Well, the kids and I were coming back from McDonald's, and the youngest one ask if I had a trash can. I said, "No, I don't keep one in my car," and they told me that their mom does. I said if I had five little ones, I would too. Then the youngest said, "Yeah she doesn't have any kids."

That stung. Of course they don't know any better, and they don't know about Parker and Gavin, but it hurt. I immediately told them that I do have two babies. Then the questions started. Which I kinda regretted saying anything, but I felt like I owed it to the boys. I answered their questions, but then let it go. I never told them that they passed. I didn't know how to respond to them. Maybe I should have said nothing, but my first reaction was to say, "Yes, I do have children."

Raising Awareness

I got these two articles from Bree's blog. These articles were published in the Washtoning Post. I want my family and friends to read these.

Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness

Even Doctors Avoid Talking About Stillbirth

Difficult Day

Chad and I are moving soon, so I had to pack up the babies room. It is really diffcult. Man they would be coming any day. I just sit here and picture me juggling all the needs of two babies. I see all these little outfits and tons of diapers, and I know I can't use them. I should be using them right now. All these things were meant for Parker and Gavin, but now they go into storage for the next child that might come along. I can't give them away, and to tell you the truth, I don't even want the next child to use them. We bought them for Parker and Gavin. When will I get to the point when I can think about them and not cry? Will that point ever come?

Names in the Sand

I just received the pictures from Carly of the boys' names written in the sand. I love this idea. It is not permanent, but just like the boys, it is here for a minute and then gone. But for a brief moment the world is a little different because of them. This was the perfect thing to cheer me up today.

Thank you so much Carly.

3 Months

Today is three months from the day that our precious boys, Parker and Gavin, came into this world, and then went home to Heaven. We miss them so much, and think about them everyday. Today is also July 4th, and the day will be spent with family and friends. We love you, Parker and Gavin. Happy 4th of July.

Everywhere

Everywhere I go and everything I do, the wound is just opened again. Do you remember the women I talked about last Thursday? Well I have seen her four times in the store. Nobody ever comes in that often. It is also all over TV. For instance, I watch Gilmore Girls every day, I have since I could remember. Well now they are showing reruns of the newer season. Two of the girls on the show are pregnant, and get this-one is having twin boys! I don't get it. Why doesn't someone just stick a knife in my heart? It would be a lot less painful. Having twins is such a unique thing, and I will never get the chance to raise them. Since when did it become entertainment? I just don't get why it has to be thrown in my face all the time.

Moving On

Everyone around me keeps moving on with their lives, while I am stuck here in this pit of sadness, anger, and guilt. My world has stopped turning, while others keep on going. Chad and I ask people to go do things with us, to get out of the house, but they always already have plans or just want to stay home. Do you guys realize that our home is a constant reminder of what we lost. We shouldn't even be calling to ask you guys. You guys should be calling to ask if we had the boys yet, or asking to come over and see them. If they were here, you would be dropping everything in your life to come see them. I feel like I am being left behind. I am so angry with everyone. I am so angry at God for taking everything I was looking froward to. My life fell apart, and my heart is breaking. Just this once can I please have a second chance? I know this could all be fixed.

Birth Certificates

The birth certificates came. I expected them becuase we requested them, but it is bittersweet. It breaks my heart. These are the only things I have in memory of my children. On the other hand, it is another thing that proves they lived. I love seeing their names written on paper.

Meltdown

Today was a horrible day. Normally I wouldn't share, but you guys need to know that even though I always put a smile on my face, sometimes it is a mask. I created the blog for this reason. I was suppose to work at Gymboree today. I ask Chad to meet me for lunch at the mall before my shift. When I got to the mall I had a meltdown. There were pregnant women and babies just surrounding me. My attention turned to this one particular women. She was about 8 months pregnant and I had met her before in Gymboree. I knew she was having a boy. When a spotted her, I broke down. I cried the whole time Chad ate his lunch. I was so upset, I couldn't even eat. I finally asked Chad to take me out to the car. I just knew everyone in the mall had their eyes fixed on me, wondering what was wrong. I finally calmed down enough to call by boss to let her know I couldn't come in. She was totally understanding, and even called me back to make sure I got home okay. Chad also had to leave work to come home with me. After crying for another hour, I finally fell asleep. All the emotions from the first day came rushing back. I felt like it had just happened all over again. I couldn't even tell you what set me off, maybe it was the meeting last night, but sometimes it is nothing. I just miss my boys so much. I can't help thinking that is should not be this way. I would do anything to bring them back to me. I would give anything to just hold them one last time. Now I am just waiting on my sign from them. I am waiting for Parker and Gavin to let me know they are alright. I want to believe that they are alive and well somewhere else. I want to believe that they are with all the other angels, and that one day we will be a family again. I miss you Parker and Gavin. My love flies to you tonight on angels wings.

Blame Game

I know I haven't posted in a while. I tried to keep myself busy. Every time I let myself get bored my mind starts racing. I think about all the stuff I should be doing right now. I would have never been bored again with two children. There are so many different scenarios that run through my mind. I know I wasn't due until August 8th, but the boys would be coming anyday. It would have been a miracle if they would had made it full term. I just don't know. Life wasn't suppose to be this way. All I look forward to now is my support group meetings, which is sad. I truley have no talents, I'm not kidding. I thought I was put here on this earth to raise children. That is the only thing I am good at, and I have been doing it my whole life. But now that was taken away from me. The only thing I live for was taken from me. Now what do I have to live for? All I can think about is why us? What did we do to deserve this? Maybe we we are too young. Maybe we weren't ready for children. But then again, we are good people. We work and go to school. We have good heads on our shoulders. So what is it?

And the blame game. Don't even get me started. I can't help but to blame myself. The doctor told me that when I had contratcions I would know. Then why the hell did I not know? I knew I was in pain. Why did I try to be strong and suck it up? I knew something could have been wrong, but I chose to go to the mall instead of the hospital. Who does that? If they saw my cervix was opening, there are tons of things they could do. It was even better odds since both boys were perfect and my water didn't even break. When the pain first started I should have went in. Actually I should have went when my mucus plug came out. How could you not blame yourself knowing all this?

Showing Compassion

This week we had our monthly meetings. Everyone was talking about how their family and friends were not really there for them. Their families think that it is better to leave them alone and not talk about it. As they talked, I sat and thought about what they were saying. I realized that only a couple people called to check on me. The people I expected to be there, haven't said a word. I need to talk about the boys, and I shouldn't have to call you to tell you what to say to me. Parker and Gavin are my children, and will always be a part of my life. If you can't feel comfortable talking about the boys, than I'm sorry. You aren't apart of our lives. This was not just a pregnancy. They were real people. They were sweet little babies. And a lot of people don't realize, but the boys were alive. They lived for a couple of minutes. We held them as they slowly passed. I don't mean to be rude, by all means, but if you really love and care for Chad and I, you will respect and acknowledge Parker and Gavin. Do what you would be doing if they were still here with us.

Wall of Angels

Cara Tyrrell, Founding Director of Share Southern Vermont, Inc, has created a wall of angels. When I found this website, I immediately wanted my babies picture up with all their angel friends. I wanted to share the wall with all of you. To add your angel go to http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/2009/06/siblings.html.

Parker and Gavin are in the top, left corner.

Thanks Cara. You are doing a great thing.

Don't Forget DAD!

Father's Day is around the corner. Chad is the daddy to beautiful twin angel boys. Do not ever forget that. This time is bittersweet for Chad, but it could also get uncomfortable. All Chad asks is for you to acknowledge him and the boys. Another big thing. Please use their names. Show respect for Chad, Parker, and Gavin. This time is hard for all of us. So all I ask is to please acknowledge Chad this Father's Day. He is a father, and a wonderful one at that.  

Tread Softly, Here Lies Our World

 For those of you who cannot go visit the boys, here are the pictures of the grave site. They are placed at Roselawn Cemetery in Charleston, IL. They are laying underneath a huge oak tree, which is just beautiful.

 At the bottom of the stone on the front it says Tread Softly, Here Lies Our World, which Chad selected. Winnie the Pooh is engraved on the stone because that was their theme in the nursery.

 The two angels are placed on each side of the stone. Their names are written across the pants of each angel.

Always Remembered

 "Always Remembered Never Forgotten" was created to keep your loved ones memory alive. We recommend you use this stamp each time you sign your families name on a greeting, birthday, or holiday card. May you find peace and comfort in these angel wings. 

This stamp can be purchased from Aly's Interior and Gifts. You can also write your angel's name in the heart every time you stamp something. 

The Things That Will Never Be

People suggested that maybe it was less difficult that they didn't live longer. I struggle with this. We will never see the color of their eyes or hear their cries. We will never change their diapers or give them baths. They will never crawl, walk, or run. They will also never drive, date, get married, or have children of their own. 

The truth is there is no "easier" way to lose a child. It sucks. It is hard. It is unfair, so unfair. This is literally the worst thing that will ever happen in my life. I would give anything to just hold them one more time.  

Bittersweet

Today Gavin and Parker got their first and probably last piece of mail. Their Social Security cards came. I had no idea they would get one, but then I thought about it and we did fill out birth certificates. It only makes sense. I am so glad Chad was here to open them with me. I got home a couple minutes before he did, and I thought about getting the mail. Then I decided I'll just let Chad get it, my hands were full. So when he brought it in, we each opened one. It was bittersweet. 

Family & Friends

Here are some ways that you can help us get through this devastating loss. 

• When you have nothing to say, just say "I am sorry." Slience can be okay. Just be here for us.
  
• Avoid cliches. Such as, "Everything happens for a reason.", "You are young. You can have more.", "At least you didn't get to know the baby.", "God will never give you more than you can handle."
• Ask and listen. Ask "How are you?", but be ready to listen. 
• Don't forget the Dad. He grieves also.
• Be specific in your offer to help. Saying "Call if you need anything," or "Let me know how I can help." are generic statements for grieving families. Not all people are willing to ask for help.
• Acknowledge the baby, and use their names.
• Remember special dates.
• Open communication.
• Check up

These are just some things to help because it is a hard topic. You can find more about these and others on the website below.

http://www.nationalshare.org/support-resources.html

Saturdays

Oh Saturdays are the hardest. First they were born on a Saturday, and you know how everyone keeps track of how old a baby is by weeks and months. Parker and Gavin would be 7 weeks old today. Saturdays also marked the beginning of a new week of pregnancy for me. Today I would have been 29 weeks along. It is so hard to not think about what might have been. Chad and I are also having trouble dealing with the boys being three hours away. We cannot drive there whenever we feel like it. So far it is the only place where we can feel them around us. 

Songs

I found some songs that put all of our thoughts into words. Below are titles and lyrics.

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. 
You were growing, what happened dear? 
You disappeared on us baby…baby.. 
Heaven will hold you before we do 
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… 
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday 
Miss you in every way 
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you 
We will hold you 
You’ll kiss our tears away 
When we’re home to stay 
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you 
We will see you 
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you… 
You’ll just have heaven before we do 
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting 
We are hurting 
But there is healing 
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing 
And in knowing- 
That all things work together for our good 
And God works His purposes just like He said He would… 
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: 
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like 
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home 
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Precious Child By Karen Taylor Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon, 
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you, 
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

Our Story

Our lives fell apart on Saturday April 4, 2009 when we lost our precious boys, Parker & Gavin. In the beginning of the pregnancy I had some problems with bleeding and spotting, but the boys always appeared to be fine. On February 10, 2009, we found out that Parker was developing a mass by his liver, but he was growing just fine. Later we find at that it was nothing.

The night of April 3 I started having back pains, and the next morning I had mild abdominal cramping. I thought my body was just making room for the boys, and I didn't think anything about it. Around 1pm Saturday, we decided to go to the hospital. On the way, the pain really started coming, and we knew I was going into labor. I was only 22 weeks along, exactly. We knew it was too early for our babies to survive.

From that moment on everything was a blur. I remember being rushed to my room while Chad filled out the paper work. The nurses found the babies heartbeat, and both boys were okay. I kept asking if my babies were going to be alright, and they kept telling me they didn't know. A nurse then went to check my cervix. She took one look and than ran out to get the doctor. Later they told me I was fully dilated. There was a lot of talking and there was a lot of nurses and doctors coming in and out. All I could ask was if they were going to survive.

Gavin David Lewis was born first at 2:46 pm and went to heaven a couple minutes later. He was 1lb 3oz and 11 inches long. Parker Lee Lewis came into this world next at 2:47 pm, and followed his brother a minute later. He was 11oz and 9 inches long. Chad and a nurse took the boys and cleaned them up while a nurse cleaned me up. I kept asking if they were going to make it. Finally a nurse came over and told me they were just not strong enough to survive. Then they brought my precious boys over wrapped together in a blanket. For the next couple of days, we got to hold our boys. Our family got to meet our babies. Everyone said hello and goodbye all at the same time.

We had a graveside service on April 10, 2009 to say goodbye to our sweet sons. Laying them to rest is one of the hardest things that we have ever had to do in our lives, but now our babies are at peace. 

We found out that the boys were totally healthy, they were just too young. I have an incompetent cervix. My body just could not take the weight. The boys shared a placenta, and Twin Twin Transfusion was starting to take place. This is where one baby takes more nutrients from the placenta than the other one. That is why Gavin was a lot bigger. 

Chad and I miss them so much everyday. Some days it hurts so bad we cannot stand it, but other days are not so bad. We would do anything to bring them back, but we know we cannot do that, it is just not possible. We truly believe that they are in a better place now, one free of harm. We believe that they were just too special for this world.