Saturday, September 11, 2010

Missing my boys

I miss my boys so much. I feel like time is flying by, and they are being forgotten. I just want to hold them again. I regret not taking more pictures of them. I regret not doing a lot of things. I want to go back and change things. They would probably be here today if I would have done things differently.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I know I have Brooklyn, but I just want to be pregnant again. And not so much as missing being pregnant, but I miss the innocence of it. I will never get that back, no matter how much I try. Our friends are having their baby any day, and I am happy for them. But I get hit with a pain of jealousy every time I hear about.

I just need to cry. I haven't had a good cry in a long while. I miss my boys so much. I wish I could hold them just one more time. I want to kiss them and tell them how much I love them.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

What was the purpose for this?

Lately I have been struggling with why my babies had to die. People say there is a purpose to everything, everything happens for a reason. Well what is the reason for my babies dying? I wish someone would tell me. Did God think I couldn't handle two babies at one time? Did he believe that I was too young to have children? Why did Brooklyn make it here, and they didn't? I am grateful for her being here, but I just don't understand. Maybe if I knew the purpose, I could feel more at peace.

I remember the day we found out we were having twins. I just couldn't believe it. I never even thought of it as a possibility, since there are no twins in our families. I was shaking, but I cannot tell you how excited I was. There was never a doubt in my mind that I couldn't do it. Now Chad, on the other hand, was a little scared and worried, but began to get excited. I just want to go back to that time. That innocence. That excitement. I want to hold my babies again. I want all three of my babies here in my arms. My heart is torn.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Brooke meets her brothers

We got to go home last weekend, and we took Brooke to the cemetery. I wish the boy's were closer so we could visit more often. But it was a nice day and we just sat out there for awhile. Brooke was awake the whole time, which I loved. There was also a very special moment. When we were getting ready to leave, Chad asked Brooke if she was ready to go and I swear she lifted up her index finger as if saying one minute and then put it back down. So we stayed for a few more minutes. It was so cute.

I miss my boys so much. I started going back to my support group meetings. It feels so nice to just talk about them. That is the only place I can fully just talk about them. That one night a month will be devoted to them.

Mommy loves you Gavin and Parker. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

It is so hard to be happy with Brooklyn and still grieve for Parker and Gavin. I still miss them with everything in me, and would give anything to have them in my arms again. But because they grew wings and went to heaven, Brooklyn is now safe in our arms. We love her with all our hearts, and would not trade her for the world. How do you handle this? I just have to remind myself that they are still very much a part of our lives, and are always looking down on us. I know they played a part in bringing Brooklyn to us. I have so many mixed emotions.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

1st Angelversary

I am finally posting the pictures of Gavin and Parker's 1st angelversary. We did a balloon release at the cemetery and then went out to lunch.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Birthday Gavin & Parker

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet boys. I cannot believe that it has been a whole year since I have held you boys in my arms. I still remember the day that we found out we were having twins. I cannot explain how excited we were. It was the best news I had ever received. Then on April 4th, you boys were born. How lucky we were to meet you, to hold you boys while you took your last breaths. There is not a day that goes by that daddy and I do not think of you boys. You will forever be missed and loved. I am sure you boys are having a big celebration for your birthday, and this year you get to share it with the celebration of Easter. I wish I could just see what it is like on the streets of heaven. Today we chose to celebrate your short life here on earth, and the love we all have for you. I love you Gavin & Parker. Kisses and hugs from Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Brooklyn.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Birthing Class

I am posting this here because nobody is following the new little one's blog. I really want to keep them separate because when she is born there will be lots of pictures and updates, and I do not want the boys to be forgotten.

So anyway, I will post this here for now. We started our birthing classes last night. And of course, there is a lady having twins. Do not understand why I cannot catch a break. Can I not go anywhere without twins being right there. And I do not want to be mean but these people are complete idiots. There is no way they are going to be able to take care of twins, but yet they will get to keep them. It just makes me so angry. Other people do not understand, but I know this group knows full well what I am feeling.

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Perfect Statue

I had seen these from other blogs and fell in love with them. I had shown Chad the website a few months ago. Well he took it upon himself to create one. These statues are from Etsy-The Midnight Orange. She does a wonderful job. This statue means so much to me, and Chad did a wonderful job in designing it. The piece is called "They're Watching Over You." Here are the pictures.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Should be posting more

I should be posting more, and I am not sure why I don't. Everything is fine with us. I miss my boys terribly, and that will never change. I think about them everyday. Chad and I are getting married, and planning the wedding for next summer. Which is really exciting. I just wish our boys could join us. We are also finally moving out of his parents house. So our lives are still moving on, and we just have to take our boys right along with us. I don't want them to get left behind. I don't want to leave them in the past. I still have my breakdowns, but life is going alright for us right now. I need to make a goal to start posting more, so I promise I'll try.

Friday, January 29, 2010


I need some ideas to let this anger out of me. I have tried some writing, but that is not helping. Does anybody have ideas?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Hard time

I am having such a hard time right now. I have no idea what is going on, but I am feeling so overwhelmed and stressed out. Some people in IRL are annoying the hell out of me. I am hating my living conditions. Nothing seems to be going my way. Even the little things.

I am also tired of seeing twins. Are they ever going to go away. Everyone has twins to show off, but not me. Mine are gone. And Regis and Kelly are holding their annual Beautiful Baby Contest right now. I should be sending in my babies photos, but I'm not. Mine were taken from me.

I just miss my babies so much. Life was not suppose to go this way. I just want them back, safe in my arms.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Desperate Housewives

Has anyone been watching the new season. It is so sad. Lynette does lose one of the twins. The show that was on tonight, they talk about their true feelings of losing the baby, and it is exactly how I feel. I will always be thinking of how there should be two little boys running around. We will never get to meet our children. I wish things could be different. I want life to be the way I pictured it would be. I also wish I could put into words how I am feeling. Nobody in my real life can see my pain, or know that I am hurting. I am just so tired. I am going to try and get some sleep now.