Thursday, July 30, 2009

Next Time

I keep catching myself saying next time I will do this, and next time I will do that. I did so many things wrong, that next time I will do it right. Why am I doing this? I don't want there to be a next time. I don't want this is to ever happen again. I don't think I could make it through this again. My heart goes out to you ladies who have had to go through this more than once. I just feel like there is no hope anymore. I need to get that 'next time' crap out of my head.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Not doing so well

I am not getting along so well right now. I haven't slept in days, and when I do get some sleep I have horrible nightmares. My mind does run wild when I lay down. I think about everything. I think about what I need to do, and should be. I was on ambien for two and a half months, but I don't want to get addicted to any sleeping pills. That is why I don't take anything.

I also just don't feel comfortable anymore. Chad and I moved out of our house, and I know this post will make some people upset, but I am just not comfortable. This move is the hardest thing for me. It is partly my fault, if I could get the courage to go back to work full time at the daycare we would be alright. I wish Chad and I could just move far away from everything. I want to start our lives over. It is hard for me to be comfortable when I don't have my own space. This next year is going to be a struggle for me. Hopefully, in the next couple months I can go back to working full time.

Poor Chad. He is trying so hard to make everything work. He is taking on so much, and I am so thankful for him. I know he is so stressed out. He is the only one stopping me from going crazy.

Lately, I have thought a lot about going to see a therapist. I really want to. I just don't want to mess with the insurance people again. I have been messing with them since we lost Parker and Gavin, and we finally got it all figured out. I don't want to talk to them any more. Everything is so crazy and stressful. I just don't know how to handle all this stuff I have bottled up. I let it all out on Chad, but it doesn't help him. He wants to help me so much, but can't. I have no where else to turn, without upsetting somebody. I can't even tell how I truly feel on here because everyone reads it.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Television & Sleep

Every television show I have always watch has pregnant women now. It is like a baby boom. I don't understand. It is like it is being directed right at me. They are just trying to rub it in my face.

I just want to feel a little one moving around inside of me. I want to be out buying baby things. I just want to hold a baby. I want to be changing diapers, and cleaning up spit up. All the things mothers complain about, I want to be doing right now.

Nights are the worst for me, and I am not sure why. I get this pit in my stomach. It is hard to explain. It starts about eight and goes till about one in the morning. When we lay down to sleep, Chad passes out right away. Me, on the other hand, I can't sleep in our bed. I always have to get up and go to the couch. The only thing I can think of is that our bed is where the boys were created. Is that insane? Can there be any other reasons why I can't sleep in our bed?

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Last post from the book Dear Parents-Letters to Bereaved Parents. This letter is from a caregiver. It talks about the way family members act towards a loss.

"I am aware that some of your painful moments have been those in which someone was trying to help and didn't know how. Most of those sayings come from people who think they are helping, even if they aren't. So, how can you respond? Don't gloss it over, because to do so would not be living with honesty and integrity about your feelings. On the other hand, try not to respond out of rage you may feel. Understand that people who hurt you are almost always trying to help."-Janice

To start off with, it is the things people say that make the loss so much harder. Although I do understand that they are trying to help. It just doesn't make sense that we have to put our energy into educating them. Why aren't they trying to go out and find information on their own? I sound like a broken record.

I also have this other problem. I want people to be here for me, and to have people feel sorry Chad and I. One the other hand, I don't want people calling every day. It goes back to those contradictions. What do you do?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Grief is all we have

Alright, I found another letter I need to comment about in the book, Dear Parents-Letters to Bereaved Parents. This letter is from Marion Cohen. Her daughter, Kerin, died shortly after birth in 1977. In this letter she states three pieces about grief that is important to her.

"1. Don't try to forget, don't not-dwell on it, don't deny, and don't deny your grief. Grief is what you have instead of your child and you need at least that.
2. Don't try to avoid ambivalences and contradictions, in the months to come, you will encounter many. You'll feel ashamed, you'll feel proud. You'll feel guilty; you'll feel powerless. You'll want to know your normal; yet you'll have times of wanting you and your child to be special. You'll want time to pass, yet you'll feel time taking you farther and farther away from your child. Let yourself feel what you feel, even if one feeling contradicts another.
3. Try to identify activities that feel helpful to you, that feel most right. Now is the time to be selfish. You are the most important person in the drama. Don't worry about social obligations. I warn you that nothing will be very helpful, and nothing will feel right, not really. Everything will have a nightmarish tint. But as time passes, there will be more and more things that help, fewer things that hurt." -Marion

I couldn't agree more with these three things. Right now there are so many things going on that I don't want to attend. But my family and friends don't understand. They say that I have to be there, how could I not. The real question is how could I? My baby boys should be here with me. And if they aren't going to acknowledge Parker and Gavin and my feelings, I don't need to be there. It has only been three and a half months. I want to be selfish right now, just like Marion said to be. I need people to still feel sorry for Chad and I. We can't be expected to attend weddings and birthday parties. We need to be left alone to decide what we are attending, and when we are attending. I don't like being pressured to do what you think I should do.

Like Marion said grief is all we have left. Don't rush us through it. I need and want to dwell on it. All I am asking for is time. I need my time. Sometimes I want people to be here, sometimes I want to be alone. Every day is different. Just support me in what I need at the time.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Brave or Survival?

So I started reading this book. It is called Dear Parents- Letters to Bereaved Parents. I love it so far. It shares all the emotions that I am feeling. I will probably be posting a lot about this book. They put my feelings into words. Here is one passage I would like to talk about.

"I weary of hearing how brave I am. I weary of people saying 'I don't think I could go through what you've been through.' I'm no stronger nor weaker than they. We all do what we have to do when we don't have any choice. Sure, I act normal. Sure, I smile and crack a joke. That's not brave.......that's survival. They don't see me at night."-Sandy

Man if I had a dollar for every time I heard that from people. Everyone says I am so strong. If it ever happened to them they wouldn't be able to get out of bed. Trust me, most days all I want to do is lay in bed, but you do what you have to.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Birthday Party

Tonight, Chad's family had a mixed birthday party for every one's birthday in July. Mine happens to be in July. It was a really nice gesture, but this birthday is not one for celebrating. My boys should be here with us. Chad's grandma brought her little dog, and everyone was fusing over her. Everybody should be fusing over newborn twins. Parker and Gavin are our first children, first grand children, and the first set of twins. You can imagine how much attention they would have gotten. Now they don't get any attention. It just hurts so much. I miss them more than anything, and every where I go I think that they should be here with us.

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Things Kid's Say

So I have started this job, and it is kinda like a nanny. I am helping out a women who is raising five children all on her own. Well, the kids and I were coming back from McDonald's, and the youngest one ask if I had a trash can. I said, "No, I don't keep one in my car," and they told me that their mom does. I said if I had five little ones, I would too. Then the youngest said, "Yeah she doesn't have any kids."

That stung. Of course they don't know any better, and they don't know about Parker and Gavin, but it hurt. I immediately told them that I do have two babies. Then the questions started. Which I kinda regretted saying anything, but I felt like I owed it to the boys. I answered their questions, but then let it go. I never told them that they passed. I didn't know how to respond to them. Maybe I should have said nothing, but my first reaction was to say, "Yes, I do have children."

Raising Awareness

I got these two articles from Bree's blog. These articles were published in the Washtoning Post. I want my family and friends to read these.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Difficult Day

Chad and I are moving soon, so I had to pack up the babies room. It is really diffcult. Man they would be coming any day. I just sit here and picture me juggling all the needs of two babies. I see all these little outfits and tons of diapers, and I know I can't use them. I should be using them right now. All these things were meant for Parker and Gavin, but now they go into storage for the next child that might come along. I can't give them away, and to tell you the truth, I don't even want the next child to use them. We bought them for Parker and Gavin. When will I get to the point when I can think about them and not cry? Will that point ever come?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Names in the Sand

I just received the pictures from Carly of the boys' names written in the sand. I love this idea. It is not permanent, but just like the boys, it is here for a minute and then gone. But for a brief moment the world is a little different because of them. This was the perfect thing to cheer me up today.
Thank you so much Carly.

3 Months

Today is three months from the day that our precious boys, Parker and Gavin, came into this world, and then went home to Heaven. We miss them so much, and think about them everyday. Today is also July 4th, and the day will be spent with family and friends. We love you, Parker and Gavin. Happy 4th of July.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Everywhere I go and everything I do, the wound is just opened again. Do you remember the women I talked about last Thursday? Well I have seen her four times in the store. Nobody ever comes in that often. It is also all over TV. For instance, I watch Gilmore Girls every day, I have since I could remember. Well now they are showing reruns of the newer season. Two of the girls on the show are pregnant, and get this-one is having twin boys! I don't get it. Why doesn't someone just stick a knife in my heart? It would be a lot less painful. Having twins is such a unique thing, and I will never get the chance to raise them. Since when did it become entertainment? I just don't get why it has to be thrown in my face all the time.