Sunday, November 29, 2009

Faith's Lodge

Faith's Lodge was so beautiful. It is hard to put into words. It was so relaxing. I needed the time to get away from the "real" world. For a whole week I did not touch my phone or computer. I talked to no one from my real life. It was a whole week focused on my children.

Faith's lodge was in the middle of the country, surrounded by tress. It has eight guest rooms, a great room, library, dining room, kitchen, craft room, toy room for children, movie room, eagles nest (relaxing room), and an indoor porch. All of the rooms are heated my fireplace. Outside they have a lake, basketball court, fire pit, and a path of inspiration trail. Dinner was served every night. There was a continental breakfast every morning. For lunch all the food was provided and you could cook whatever you liked. You could also go to the local restaurants anytime you wanted. There was also a craft schedule every day that focused on your children. You could participate in as little or as much as you wanted. We also had one support group.

We met some great people while we were at Faith's Lodge. It was weird to leave, but we will stay in contact. You can go to Faith's Lodge website to find out more details and found a time that is right for you to visit this wonderful place. I wish there were more of these places around. Well enough of me talking here are the pictures.

Front of Faith's Lodge

Front Desk

This is the front table where we put on children's pictures and momentum's.

Great Room


Part of Dinning Room

Movie Room


Eagle's Nest

Our Room

Back of Building

Fire Pit

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to wish everyone a peaceful Thanksgiving. It is hard to be thankful when your world has been taken from you. I miss Parker and Gavin more than words can say. I know it is hard for people to understand what Chad and I are going through, but they have to give us our space. Maybe some day I will find meaning as to why our boys were taken from us, but as of today I am still hurting beyond what words can explain.

Gavin and Parker, I hope you boys are having a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I know you are watching down from up above. Mommy and daddy love you with all our hearts.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I think about posting every day because I have so much to say, but I just don't know how to put what I am feeling into words. I just feel like I am all alone in this. It is a strange feeling that I cannot explain. Nobody mentions the boy's anymore. that even the people who were always there in the beginning. Working at Gymboree, I have seen two set of twins in the last couple of weeks. Both times I started crying, and nobody says anything. Do I had the pain so well that everyone thinks I have forgotten about Parker and Gavin?

I have nightmares all night long. When I wake up, I feel like I have been up all night. It is emotionally draining. They are always about the boys. It is either reliving their birth/death, or a family member doing something wrong, to someone else living the life I should be living right now.

Again, I am dreading the Holidays. The funeral home that helped us with boys sent be a booklet about the holidays. One section talks about giving yourself permission to do what you feel is right. "A good rule is-if it hurts, don't do it. If it is so painful that you cannot think about it without reacting, then leave it alone for a time." It also tells you to be where you are the most comfortable. I feel this way, and some people do not understand why I can't be around them. I cannot explain why I am more comfortable in some settings and not in others. There are just some people that I feel more relaxed around, and it doesn't mean that I don't like anyone less, or that those people did anything wrong. My family and friends don't seem to grasp this point. The book tells you to go to those spots you are comfortable with, and don't feel guilty about it. "You may forget with whom you laughed, but you will never forget with whom you wept." I need to find somewhere I feel safe and comfortable, and I am not yet sure where that is.

On the bright side, Chad and I are going to Faith's Lodge next week. It is a place for bereaved families to go and just escape from the real world. I am so ready for it. I need to just get away and spend a whole week focused on Parker and Gavin. I will be sure to you guys all about it and post pictures when we get back.

I have still been reading the blogs, but I hope everyone is doing alright.