I cannot believe it has been two years since I last held my boys. My heart is breaking. I am just not sure how to feel right now. I hate being sad. I hate this feeling. I miss them so much every single day. Having Brooklyn makes me realize everything I missed having twin boys. I wonder where I would be today if they were still alive. What would be doing if we had two 1 1/2 year olds?
I keep going back to when we were told we were having two babies. I was 8 weeks along. It was my first ever ultrasound, and both grandparents were there. I was shaking but man I was so excited. I thought it was the coolest thing as there are no twins in the family. Then a few months later my dream was crushed. There was no stopping them from being bornand there was nothing the doctors could do to save them.
Looking back, this could have been prevented. I seriously blame myself. I was in pain and just brushed it off. if I would have went in on Thursday when the pain started there are a number of things they could have done. They could have stitched me up, but me on bed rest, and give the boys steroids. My sister was born 3 months early, this is what they did and she survived. I just wish I could go back to that week.
All I'm doing is rambling but it feels good to get it off my chest.
Monday, February 28, 2011
I cannot believe I have went this long without writing here. I am ashamed. This is exactly what I wanted to not happen. In no way have I forgotten about my boys, I think about them every day but I don't spend all my attention on them. Now that time has passed people don't bring them up anymore. When I was grieving, all my time and energy went to them. Now that time has passed and has healed my heart that is not true. I wish I could give them as much attention as I do Brooklyn but that will never be the case. I just don't know what to do. I miss them so much, and I wish they could be here with me.