Lately I have been struggling with why my babies had to die. People say there is a purpose to everything, everything happens for a reason. Well what is the reason for my babies dying? I wish someone would tell me. Did God think I couldn't handle two babies at one time? Did he believe that I was too young to have children? Why did Brooklyn make it here, and they didn't? I am grateful for her being here, but I just don't understand. Maybe if I knew the purpose, I could feel more at peace.
I remember the day we found out we were having twins. I just couldn't believe it. I never even thought of it as a possibility, since there are no twins in our families. I was shaking, but I cannot tell you how excited I was. There was never a doubt in my mind that I couldn't do it. Now Chad, on the other hand, was a little scared and worried, but began to get excited. I just want to go back to that time. That innocence. That excitement. I want to hold my babies again. I want all three of my babies here in my arms. My heart is torn.
Friday, June 4, 2010
We got to go home last weekend, and we took Brooke to the cemetery. I wish the boy's were closer so we could visit more often. But it was a nice day and we just sat out there for awhile. Brooke was awake the whole time, which I loved. There was also a very special moment. When we were getting ready to leave, Chad asked Brooke if she was ready to go and I swear she lifted up her index finger as if saying one minute and then put it back down. So we stayed for a few more minutes. It was so cute.
I miss my boys so much. I started going back to my support group meetings. It feels so nice to just talk about them. That is the only place I can fully just talk about them. That one night a month will be devoted to them.
Mommy loves you Gavin and Parker. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you.