It has been a long time since I have wrote. Anger has just consumed me. I cannot post all my feelings on here for fear of hurting other people. So I keep them between my groups and therapist.
I have been keeping myself really busy. I am taking a full schedule at school, and every shift available at work I take. I still read the blogs every day. But it seems that every time I read them I just get sick to my stomach, and I can't write.
A few weeks ago we got our brick at the angel of hope. I have been to lazy to put pictures on computer, but I will get to it. The brick reads: Sweet Baby Boys Parker & Gavin Lewis 4-4-09. The ceremony was very nice.
I ran across a poem on the Share message boards that I would like to share. Here it is.
I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today
I feel like I am just singing the same old song, I feel like people just want the old me back, but that will never happen. I am who I am now, and people need to get used to that. I know many people are surprised by how I act. They never thought I had it in me to be so angry. They have no idea what I am going through. I really do not wish this on anybody, but if it ever happens to one of them, I know they will be apologizing to me for treating me the way they do.
No matter what happens, I am never going to let people forget about Parker and Gavin. They are our first children, they are the first grandchildren, and nobody will ever take that away from them. I'll be damn sure about that.I better go before the anger comes out, and god forbid I upset somebody. Thank you to all my blog friends for understanding and listening to me vent.