Sunday, May 31, 2009

Tread Softly, Here Lies Our World

 For those of you who cannot go visit the boys, here are the pictures of the grave site. They are placed at Roselawn Cemetery in Charleston, IL. They are laying underneath a huge oak tree, which is just beautiful.

 At the bottom of the stone on the front it says Tread Softly, Here Lies Our World, which Chad selected. Winnie the Pooh is engraved on the stone because that was their theme in the nursery.

 The two angels are placed on each side of the stone. Their names are written across the pants of each angel.

Always Remembered

 "Always Remembered Never Forgotten" was created to keep your loved ones memory alive. We recommend you use this stamp each time you sign your families name on a greeting, birthday, or holiday card. May you find peace and comfort in these angel wings. 

This stamp can be purchased from Aly's Interior and Gifts. You can also write your angel's name in the heart every time you stamp something. 

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Things That Will Never Be

People suggested that maybe it was less difficult that they didn't live longer. I struggle with this. We will never see the color of their eyes or hear their cries. We will never change their diapers or give them baths. They will never crawl, walk, or run. They will also never drive, date, get married, or have children of their own. 

The truth is there is no "easier" way to lose a child. It sucks. It is hard. It is unfair, so unfair. This is literally the worst thing that will ever happen in my life. I would give anything to just hold them one more time.  

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Today Gavin and Parker got their first and probably last piece of mail. Their Social Security cards came. I had no idea they would get one, but then I thought about it and we did fill out birth certificates. It only makes sense. I am so glad Chad was here to open them with me. I got home a couple minutes before he did, and I thought about getting the mail. Then I decided I'll just let Chad get it, my hands were full. So when he brought it in, we each opened one. It was bittersweet. 

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Family & Friends

Here are some ways that you can help us get through this devastating loss. 
  • When you have nothing to say, just say "I am sorry." Slience can be okay. Just be here for us.
  • Avoid cliches. Such as, "Everything happens for a reason.", "You are young. You can have more.", "At least you didn't get to know the baby.", "God will never give you more than you can handle."
  • Ask and listen. Ask "How are you?", but be ready to listen. 
  • Don't forget the Dad. He grieves also.
  • Be specific in your offer to help. Saying "Call if you need anything," or "Let me know how I can help." are generic statements for grieving families. Not all people are willing to ask for help.
  • Acknowledge the baby, and use their names.
  • Remember special dates.
  • Open communication.
  • Check up
These are just some things to help because it is a hard topic. You can find more about these and others on the website below.


Oh Saturdays are the hardest. First they were born on a Saturday, and you know how everyone keeps track of how old a baby is by weeks and months. Parker and Gavin would be 7 weeks old today. Saturdays also marked the beginning of a new week of pregnancy for me. Today I would have been 29 weeks along. It is so hard to not think about what might have been. Chad and I are also having trouble dealing with the boys being three hours away. We cannot drive there whenever we feel like it. So far it is the only place where we can feel them around us. 

Friday, May 22, 2009


I found some songs that put all of our thoughts into words. Below are titles and lyrics.

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. 
You were growing, what happened dear? 
You disappeared on us baby…baby.. 
Heaven will hold you before we do 
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… 
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday 
Miss you in every way 
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you 
We will hold you 
You’ll kiss our tears away 
When we’re home to stay 
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you 
We will see you 
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you… 
You’ll just have heaven before we do 
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting 
We are hurting 
But there is healing 
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing 
And in knowing- 
That all things work together for our good 
And God works His purposes just like He said He would… 
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like 
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home 
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Precious Child By Karen Taylor Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon, 
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you, 
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Our Story

Our lives fell apart on Saturday April 4, 2009 when we lost our precious boys, Parker & Gavin. In the beginning of the pregnancy I had some problems with bleeding and spotting, but the boys always appeared to be fine. On February 10, 2009, we found out that Parker was developing a mass by his liver, but he was growing just fine. Later we find at that it was nothing.

The night of April 3 I started having back pains, and the next morning I had mild abdominal cramping. I thought my body was just making room for the boys, and I didn't think anything about it. Around 1pm Saturday, we decided to go to the hospital. On the way, the pain really started coming, and we knew I was going into labor. I was only 22 weeks along, exactly. We knew it was too early for our babies to survive.

From that moment on everything was a blur. I remember being rushed to my room while Chad filled out the paper work. The nurses found the babies heartbeat, and both boys were okay. I kept asking if my babies were going to be alright, and they kept telling me they didn't know. A nurse then went to check my cervix. She took one look and than ran out to get the doctor. Later they told me I was fully dilated. There was a lot of talking and there was a lot of nurses and doctors coming in and out. All I could ask was if they were going to survive.

Gavin David Lewis was born first at 2:46 pm and went to heaven a couple minutes later. He was 1lb 3oz and 11 inches long. Parker Lee Lewis came into this world next at 2:47 pm, and followed his brother a minute later. He was 11oz and 9 inches long. Chad and a nurse took the boys and cleaned them up while a nurse cleaned me up. I kept asking if they were going to make it. Finally a nurse came over and told me they were just not strong enough to survive. Then they brought my precious boys over wrapped together in a blanket. For the next couple of days, we got to hold our boys. Our family got to meet our babies. Everyone said hello and goodbye all at the same time.

We had a graveside service on April 10, 2009 to say goodbye to our sweet sons. Laying them to rest is one of the hardest things that we have ever had to do in our lives, but now our babies are at peace. 

We found out that the boys were totally healthy, they were just too young. I have an incompetent cervix. My body just could not take the weight. The boys shared a placenta, and Twin Twin Transfusion was starting to take place. This is where one baby takes more nutrients from the placenta than the other one. That is why Gavin was a lot bigger. 

Chad and I miss them so much everyday. Some days it hurts so bad we cannot stand it, but other days are not so bad. We would do anything to bring them back, but we know we cannot do that, it is just not possible. We truly believe that they are in a better place now, one free of harm. We believe that they were just too special for this world.