I think about posting every day because I have so much to say, but I just don't know how to put what I am feeling into words. I just feel like I am all alone in this. It is a strange feeling that I cannot explain. Nobody mentions the boy's anymore. that even the people who were always there in the beginning. Working at Gymboree, I have seen two set of twins in the last couple of weeks. Both times I started crying, and nobody says anything. Do I had the pain so well that everyone thinks I have forgotten about Parker and Gavin?
I have nightmares all night long. When I wake up, I feel like I have been up all night. It is emotionally draining. They are always about the boys. It is either reliving their birth/death, or a family member doing something wrong, to someone else living the life I should be living right now.
Again, I am dreading the Holidays. The funeral home that helped us with boys sent be a booklet about the holidays. One section talks about giving yourself permission to do what you feel is right. "A good rule is-if it hurts, don't do it. If it is so painful that you cannot think about it without reacting, then leave it alone for a time." It also tells you to be where you are the most comfortable. I feel this way, and some people do not understand why I can't be around them. I cannot explain why I am more comfortable in some settings and not in others. There are just some people that I feel more relaxed around, and it doesn't mean that I don't like anyone less, or that those people did anything wrong. My family and friends don't seem to grasp this point. The book tells you to go to those spots you are comfortable with, and don't feel guilty about it. "You may forget with whom you laughed, but you will never forget with whom you wept." I need to find somewhere I feel safe and comfortable, and I am not yet sure where that is.
On the bright side, Chad and I are going to Faith's Lodge next week. It is a place for bereaved families to go and just escape from the real world. I am so ready for it. I need to just get away and spend a whole week focused on Parker and Gavin. I will be sure to you guys all about it and post pictures when we get back.
I have still been reading the blogs, but I hope everyone is doing alright.