Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Not doing so well

I am not getting along so well right now. I haven't slept in days, and when I do get some sleep I have horrible nightmares. My mind does run wild when I lay down. I think about everything. I think about what I need to do, and should be. I was on ambien for two and a half months, but I don't want to get addicted to any sleeping pills. That is why I don't take anything.

I also just don't feel comfortable anymore. Chad and I moved out of our house, and I know this post will make some people upset, but I am just not comfortable. This move is the hardest thing for me. It is partly my fault, if I could get the courage to go back to work full time at the daycare we would be alright. I wish Chad and I could just move far away from everything. I want to start our lives over. It is hard for me to be comfortable when I don't have my own space. This next year is going to be a struggle for me. Hopefully, in the next couple months I can go back to working full time.

Poor Chad. He is trying so hard to make everything work. He is taking on so much, and I am so thankful for him. I know he is so stressed out. He is the only one stopping me from going crazy.

Lately, I have thought a lot about going to see a therapist. I really want to. I just don't want to mess with the insurance people again. I have been messing with them since we lost Parker and Gavin, and we finally got it all figured out. I don't want to talk to them any more. Everything is so crazy and stressful. I just don't know how to handle all this stuff I have bottled up. I let it all out on Chad, but it doesn't help him. He wants to help me so much, but can't. I have no where else to turn, without upsetting somebody. I can't even tell how I truly feel on here because everyone reads it.


  1. Kayla, You are more than welcome to e-mail me if you need to "talk." I would be happy to listen to your thoughts. I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I am thinking of you.

  2. Great Aunt HeatherJuly 30, 2009 at 8:57 AM

    Ditto what Tina said....
    Now with that being said, do not worry about hurting feelings. You need to express yourself. If you want help with insurance issues, let me know and I will do everything I can. Let me or your mom deal with that B.S., if you want to see a therapist, then let's get it set up. Parker, Gavin, Chad, and the rest of your family only want you to be "well". We love you very much.

  3. Anytime you need to talk, Kayla, you can email me. My email is in my blogger profile. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You would think that it would get better, but sometimes I think it only gets worse, at least in the first few months. I'm coming up on 6 months and I think the last month has been one of the hardest yet. Take care of yourself and don't worry about everybody else. You need to be able to talk, vent, cry, whatever, without worrying about other people's feelings.

  4. It is very hard for me to not worry about what others think. That is so hard to deal with. I will most likely take you guys up on your offers. Thank you so much.

  5. Kayla, everything I have just read on your page totally resonates with me. The not sleeping, the physical feelings from anxiety, all the pregnant women, the family pretending it didn't happen, dealing with the bills & insurance, hubby taking on more and feeling guilty about it. I've been and am there. Different things work for different ppl, but Ive gone to talk to someone, and started taking meds, mmostly because if I dont get at least some sleep, I can't take care of my 2 year old. It hasn't been a cure for what's ailing me, but it has been just a little easier to cope with it. I'd say it's worth trying for a chance at a little relief. Take care of yourself. Hugs.