Sunday, June 21, 2009

Blame Game

I know I haven't posted in a while. I tried to keep myself busy. Every time I let myself get bored my mind starts racing. I think about all the stuff I should be doing right now. I would have never been bored again with two children. There are so many different scenarios that run through my mind. I know I wasn't due until August 8th, but the boys would be coming anyday. It would have been a miracle if they would had made it full term. I just don't know. Life wasn't suppose to be this way. All I look forward to now is my support group meetings, which is sad. I truley have no talents, I'm not kidding. I thought I was put here on this earth to raise children. That is the only thing I am good at, and I have been doing it my whole life. But now that was taken away from me. The only thing I live for was taken from me. Now what do I have to live for? All I can think about is why us? What did we do to deserve this? Maybe we we are too young. Maybe we weren't ready for children. But then again, we are good people. We work and go to school. We have good heads on our shoulders. So what is it?

And the blame game. Don't even get me started. I can't help but to blame myself. The doctor told me that when I had contratcions I would know. Then why the hell did I not know? I knew I was in pain. Why did I try to be strong and suck it up? I knew something could have been wrong, but I chose to go to the mall instead of the hospital. Who does that? If they saw my cervix was opening, there are tons of things they could do. It was even better odds since both boys were perfect and my water didn't even break. When the pain first started I should have went in. Actually I should have went when my mucus plug came out. How could you not blame yourself knowing all this?

3 comments:

  1. Kayla,
    You and Chad are very young and should not have to go through these hard times. It's VERY adult of you to take responsibility for all that happened, as adults and parents, we have to take responsibility for things that don't work out the way their supposed to. You could spend the rest of your life second guessing what happened and trying to figure out what you could have changed. But the fact is, you are not responsible for what happened, it just happened, the doctor said that there is nothing that could have been done to have changed things. If there is a person out there that tries to make you feel differently, I would like you to direct me to them. I would be glad to explain my point of view. You and Chad have to concentrate on looking forward, no matter how hard that seems and taking the boys with you. Don’t worry, they will not be forgotten.
    No Talents? Forgive me for sounding too much like a Dad, but you have plenty. I have been around you for several years, and you could do all kinds of things. Having said that, I totally understand how you feel that being a Mom is the best occupation for you. I feel that way about you also, which makes me feel good that all my grandkids are in good hands. Not everybody will be a good parent. Not everybody starts out being a good parent, and some have to learn how after they get their kids. You have that talent right now. I think that you can do other things that keep you busy until you have little one to carry around.
    Please don’t take any of what I have said to be criticism, because it is not. I just want you and Chad to know that I will always be here to help wherever I can. I love you both,

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  2. Thank you so much for your comment. Thank you for thinking that we are good parents and acknowledging we still are parents. But you do feel like you failed as parents. That you couldn't protect your children. It is so hard to deal with. I do not take any of it as criticism. I know you care and are hurting also. I also know you will always be here for Chad and I. We love you too.

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  3. Great Aunt HeatherJune 29, 2009 at 4:13 PM

    Kayla,
    I have to agree with Grandpa Lewis... You and Chad are both extremely loving and giving parents. I know that the pain is unbearable at times, but you both have to know that you do have something to live for... In fact you have 2 very precious reasons to live. GAVIN & PARKER. You have to find a way to go on to honor them. They will live forever in you two... And yes they are with Jesus watching and loving the both of you for being the wonderful parents you are.

    As far as talents.... Lets get busy on that book. We can dedicate it to Parker and Gavin.

    I love you bunches

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