And the blame game. Don't even get me started. I can't help but to blame myself. The doctor told me that when I had contratcions I would know. Then why the hell did I not know? I knew I was in pain. Why did I try to be strong and suck it up? I knew something could have been wrong, but I chose to go to the mall instead of the hospital. Who does that? If they saw my cervix was opening, there are tons of things they could do. It was even better odds since both boys were perfect and my water didn't even break. When the pain first started I should have went in. Actually I should have went when my mucus plug came out. How could you not blame yourself knowing all this?
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I know I haven't posted in a while. I tried to keep myself busy. Every time I let myself get bored my mind starts racing. I think about all the stuff I should be doing right now. I would have never been bored again with two children. There are so many different scenarios that run through my mind. I know I wasn't due until August 8th, but the boys would be coming anyday. It would have been a miracle if they would had made it full term. I just don't know. Life wasn't suppose to be this way. All I look forward to now is my support group meetings, which is sad. I truley have no talents, I'm not kidding. I thought I was put here on this earth to raise children. That is the only thing I am good at, and I have been doing it my whole life. But now that was taken away from me. The only thing I live for was taken from me. Now what do I have to live for? All I can think about is why us? What did we do to deserve this? Maybe we we are too young. Maybe we weren't ready for children. But then again, we are good people. We work and go to school. We have good heads on our shoulders. So what is it?