Thursday, June 25, 2009

Meltdown

Today was a horrible day. Normally I wouldn't share, but you guys need to know that even though I always put a smile on my face, sometimes it is a mask. I created the blog for this reason. I was suppose to work at Gymboree today. I ask Chad to meet me for lunch at the mall before my shift. When I got to the mall I had a meltdown. There were pregnant women and babies just surrounding me. My attention turned to this one particular women. She was about 8 months pregnant and I had met her before in Gymboree. I knew she was having a boy. When a spotted her, I broke down. I cried the whole time Chad ate his lunch. I was so upset, I couldn't even eat. I finally asked Chad to take me out to the car. I just knew everyone in the mall had their eyes fixed on me, wondering what was wrong. I finally calmed down enough to call by boss to let her know I couldn't come in. She was totally understanding, and even called me back to make sure I got home okay. Chad also had to leave work to come home with me. After crying for another hour, I finally fell asleep. All the emotions from the first day came rushing back. I felt like it had just happened all over again. I couldn't even tell you what set me off, maybe it was the meeting last night, but sometimes it is nothing. I just miss my boys so much. I can't help thinking that is should not be this way. I would do anything to bring them back to me. I would give anything to just hold them one last time. Now I am just waiting on my sign from them. I am waiting for Parker and Gavin to let me know they are alright. I want to believe that they are alive and well somewhere else. I want to believe that they are with all the other angels, and that one day we will be a family again. I miss you Parker and Gavin. My love flies to you tonight on angels wings.

3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I am here from "Whispered Support" that I co-founded with Carly. (I'm Sarah) I'm sorry you had such a dreadful day. If you have the chance can you email me? I would like to send you something. Have you been to LFCA? There are other women who are walking the same road as you, they would be a great support to you. You can add yourself to their blogroll. Let me know. xxxx

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  2. Hi Kayla,
    Thanks for commenting on my blog. You will find alot of women out there that have gone through your same situation, so please dont ever feel that you are alone. I am so sorry for your loss...it rips your heart out, I know. I think we have similar stories and the only difference might be that I had triplets. There is no rhyme or reason for what happened, and you will torture yourself if you try to get the answers to why....no one knows. It just stinks. But you are both parents now no matter what, always rememebr that.

    You asked about the picture that was done with the flowers and the girls' names on it, well Sarah, who first commented on this post above, and her brother do these. I did not ask for it, she found me and just sent it - which is what I think she may want to do for you. She is a fabulous person and a sweet soul.

    Many prayers and hugs to you xo Nan

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  3. Great Aunt HeatherJune 29, 2009 at 4:19 PM

    I know that I can not physically hold you right now, in this moment... but I hope you feel the embrace I am giving you. Would you like to go to the Sunday Service with me this weekend? I really want to go listen to Tom. Let me know. I love you.

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