Been a long time

I thought about my blog the other day and decided to come back to visit. After reading through old posts, I felt compelled to write again. I am sure that no one is visiting this page by now, not that it matters. I never started this so people would read what I had to say. I did it so I could have a place to release my sadness, my anger, my grief. Writing was a way for me to process what I was feeling, and to help me heal. I realized that I have come a long way. It has been 6 years since we last said goodbye to Gavin and Parker. So much has changed in my life, so much more happiness. I have two beautiful, healthy, rainbow babies. They are 5 and 2. They bring so much joy to Chad and I. I guess that is why they are called rainbow babies in the first place. They were and are the hope after that terrible storm. I am also now a co-facilitator of a support group in my area. I decided that I wanted to do something with the pain that I had been feeling. The boys give me strength to make it through everyday. Now that 6 years have passed, I have lost some friends and family members have went away. But I have met some new friends that have become family. We still attend all the Share events and visit the cemetery all the time. I love that they are still very much apart of lives because I was scared that they would be forgotten or just fall by the waste side. I still think about them every single day, and still when I see twins or hear people talk about them, I tear up. I am proud that my living children know and talk about the boys all the time. A few days ago, My kids each got a balloon and my daughter said that we had to get one for Parker and Gavin to let go up to Heaven. It was so sweet, and makes my heart so happy!! Well that is it for now. I don't know when I will be back.

2 years

I cannot believe it has been two years since I last held my boys. My heart is breaking. I am just not sure how to feel right now. I hate being sad. I hate this feeling. I miss them so much every single day. Having Brooklyn makes me realize everything I missed having twin boys. I wonder where I would be today if they were still alive. What would be doing if we had two 1 1/2 year olds?

I keep going back to when we were told we were having two babies. I was 8 weeks along. It was my first ever ultrasound, and both grandparents were there. I was shaking but man I was so excited. I thought it was the coolest thing as there are no twins in the family. Then a few months later my dream was crushed. There was no stopping them from being bornand there was nothing the doctors could do to save them.

Looking back, this could have been prevented. I seriously blame myself. I was in pain and just brushed it off. if I would have went in on Thursday when the pain started there are a number of things they could have done. They could have stitched me up, but me on bed rest, and give the boys steroids. My sister was born 3 months early, this is what they did and she survived. I just wish I could go back to that week.

All I'm doing is rambling but it feels good to get it off my chest.

Been a long time

I cannot believe I have went this long without writing here. I am ashamed. This is exactly what I wanted to not happen. In no way have I forgotten about my boys, I think about them every day but I don't spend all my attention on them. Now that time has passed people don't bring them up anymore. When I was grieving, all my time and energy went to them. Now that time has passed and has healed my heart that is not true. I wish I could give them as much attention as I do Brooklyn but that will never be the case. I just don't know what to do. I miss them so much, and I wish they could be here with me.

Missing my boys

I miss my boys so much. I feel like time is flying by, and they are being forgotten. I just want to hold them again. I regret not taking more pictures of them. I regret not doing a lot of things. I want to go back and change things. They would probably be here today if I would have done things differently.

I know I have Brooklyn, but I just want to be pregnant again. And not so much as missing being pregnant, but I miss the innocence of it. I will never get that back, no matter how much I try. Our friends are having their baby any day, and I am happy for them. But I get hit with a pain of jealousy every time I hear about.

I just need to cry. I haven't had a good cry in a long while. I miss my boys so much. I wish I could hold them just one more time. I want to kiss them and tell them how much I love them.

What was the purpose for this?

Lately I have been struggling with why my babies had to die. People say there is a purpose to everything, everything happens for a reason. Well what is the reason for my babies dying? I wish someone would tell me. Did God think I couldn't handle two babies at one time? Did he believe that I was too young to have children? Why did Brooklyn make it here, and they didn't? I am grateful for her being here, but I just don't understand. Maybe if I knew the purpose, I could feel more at peace.

I remember the day we found out we were having twins. I just couldn't believe it. I never even thought of it as a possibility, since there are no twins in our families. I was shaking, but I cannot tell you how excited I was. There was never a doubt in my mind that I couldn't do it. Now Chad, on the other hand, was a little scared and worried, but began to get excited. I just want to go back to that time. That innocence. That excitement. I want to hold my babies again. I want all three of my babies here in my arms. My heart is torn.

Brooke meets her brothers

We got to go home last weekend, and we took Brooke to the cemetery. I wish the boy's were closer so we could visit more often. But it was a nice day and we just sat out there for awhile. Brooke was awake the whole time, which I loved. There was also a very special moment. When we were getting ready to leave, Chad asked Brooke if she was ready to go and I swear she lifted up her index finger as if saying one minute and then put it back down. So we stayed for a few more minutes. It was so cute.

I miss my boys so much. I started going back to my support group meetings. It feels so nice to just talk about them. That is the only place I can fully just talk about them. That one night a month will be devoted to them.


Mommy loves you Gavin and Parker. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you.

Mother's Day

It is so hard to be happy with Brooklyn and still grieve for Parker and Gavin. I still miss them with everything in me, and would give anything to have them in my arms again. But because they grew wings and went to heaven, Brooklyn is now safe in our arms. We love her with all our hearts, and would not trade her for the world. How do you handle this? I just have to remind myself that they are still very much a part of our lives, and are always looking down on us. I know they played a part in bringing Brooklyn to us. I have so many mixed emotions.

1st Angelversary

I am finally posting the pictures of Gavin and Parker's 1st angelversary. We did a balloon release at the cemetery and then went out to lunch.

Happy Birthday Gavin & Parker

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet boys. I cannot believe that it has been a whole year since I have held you boys in my arms. I still remember the day that we found out we were having twins. I cannot explain how excited we were. It was the best news I had ever received. Then on April 4th, you boys were born. How lucky we were to meet you, to hold you boys while you took your last breaths. There is not a day that goes by that daddy and I do not think of you boys. You will forever be missed and loved. I am sure you boys are having a big celebration for your birthday, and this year you get to share it with the celebration of Easter. I wish I could just see what it is like on the streets of heaven. Today we chose to celebrate your short life here on earth, and the love we all have for you. I love you Gavin & Parker. Kisses and hugs from Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Brooklyn.

Birthing Class

I am posting this here because nobody is following the new little one's blog. I really want to keep them separate because when she is born there will be lots of pictures and updates, and I do not want the boys to be forgotten.

So anyway, I will post this here for now. We started our birthing classes last night. And of course, there is a lady having twins. Do not understand why I cannot catch a break. Can I not go anywhere without twins being right there. And I do not want to be mean but these people are complete idiots. There is no way they are going to be able to take care of twins, but yet they will get to keep them. It just makes me so angry. Other people do not understand, but I know this group knows full well what I am feeling.

The Perfect Statue

I had seen these from other blogs and fell in love with them. I had shown Chad the website a few months ago. Well he took it upon himself to create one. These statues are from Etsy-The Midnight Orange. She does a wonderful job. This statue means so much to me, and Chad did a wonderful job in designing it. The piece is called "They're Watching Over You." Here are the pictures.

Should be posting more

I should be posting more, and I am not sure why I don't. Everything is fine with us. I miss my boys terribly, and that will never change. I think about them everyday. Chad and I are getting married, and planning the wedding for next summer. Which is really exciting. I just wish our boys could join us. We are also finally moving out of his parents house. So our lives are still moving on, and we just have to take our boys right along with us. I don't want them to get left behind. I don't want to leave them in the past. I still have my breakdowns, but life is going alright for us right now. I need to make a goal to start posting more, so I promise I'll try.

Anger

I need some ideas to let this anger out of me. I have tried some writing, but that is not helping. Does anybody have ideas?

Hard time

I am having such a hard time right now. I have no idea what is going on, but I am feeling so overwhelmed and stressed out. Some people in IRL are annoying the hell out of me. I am hating my living conditions. Nothing seems to be going my way. Even the little things.

I am also tired of seeing twins. Are they ever going to go away. Everyone has twins to show off, but not me. Mine are gone. And Regis and Kelly are holding their annual Beautiful Baby Contest right now. I should be sending in my babies photos, but I'm not. Mine were taken from me.

I just miss my babies so much. Life was not suppose to go this way. I just want them back, safe in my arms.

Desperate Housewives

Has anyone been watching the new season. It is so sad. Lynette does lose one of the twins. The show that was on tonight, they talk about their true feelings of losing the baby, and it is exactly how I feel. I will always be thinking of how there should be two little boys running around. We will never get to meet our children. I wish things could be different. I want life to be the way I pictured it would be. I also wish I could put into words how I am feeling. Nobody in my real life can see my pain, or know that I am hurting. I am just so tired. I am going to try and get some sleep now.

Saying Goodbye to 2009

A new year is upon us. I am looking forward to what the new year has to offer. A new little girl on her way, and praying she makes it here safely. On the other hand, we have to leave 2009 in the past. Which means the day we lost Gavin and Parker. Courtney from The Peeks said it perfectly. 2009 was the year I became a mother. I don't want to leave that behind. I don't want my boys to become a thing in the past. Although that was the worst day in my life, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. These two sweet boys have been blessings in our lives. They have changed us for the better. I am grateful for the time I had with them, and even though they are gone love still lives on. It is bittersweet, but yet I guess everything is always going to be bittersweet.

Christmas

I haven't had the chance to post yet about Christmas. Chad and I went home to visit my family for Christmas. Which was so great. I didn't want to be anywhere else (well besides with my boys, but that is not possible). It was difficult knowing that Parker and Gavin were missing. Instead of Chad and I each holding a baby, I held my two year old cousin while she opened her gifts. That will be the hardest part of everything I do, knowing that something is missing. That sting will always be with me.

On the other hand, I did get some gifts in remembrance of Gavin and Parker. We got some ornaments and a solar powered cross to put at their grave. It was nice for people to acknowledge my pain.





Here is the tree that we put up for Parker and Gavin.


We also had Christmas cards done. I didn't know if I wanted to do them at first, but then I had to let everyone know that Gavin and Parker are still very much apart of of lives. Chad and I are holding their bears and blue flowers. I had four, two white and two blue, but you can only see three. Then we decided to only have the flowers in color so we colored all of them blue. Then on the back, we have a picture of just the bears and flowers.

Our friend is expecting

I just found out that a friend of Chad and mine is expecting. I am so upset. Why am I so upset? I should be happy for them, I guess. Even though we are expecting also, it is not the same. I just imagine Chad and I having our boys and everyone being crazy over them. Now they are going to have a baby around the same time. I sound crazy and I don't know how to put what I am feeling in words. It just should not be this way. Its not fair. I want my boys back. Why my sweet, innocent boys!

Faith's Lodge

Faith's Lodge was so beautiful. It is hard to put into words. It was so relaxing. I needed the time to get away from the "real" world. For a whole week I did not touch my phone or computer. I talked to no one from my real life. It was a whole week focused on my children.

Faith's lodge was in the middle of the country, surrounded by tress. It has eight guest rooms, a great room, library, dining room, kitchen, craft room, toy room for children, movie room, eagles nest (relaxing room), and an indoor porch. All of the rooms are heated my fireplace. Outside they have a lake, basketball court, fire pit, and a path of inspiration trail. Dinner was served every night. There was a continental breakfast every morning. For lunch all the food was provided and you could cook whatever you liked. You could also go to the local restaurants anytime you wanted. There was also a craft schedule every day that focused on your children. You could participate in as little or as much as you wanted. We also had one support group.

We met some great people while we were at Faith's Lodge. It was weird to leave, but we will stay in contact. You can go to Faith's Lodge website to find out more details and found a time that is right for you to visit this wonderful place. I wish there were more of these places around. Well enough of me talking here are the pictures.


Front of Faith's Lodge


Front Desk


This is the front table where we put on children's pictures and momentum's.




Great Room


Kitchen


Part of Dinning Room


Movie Room


Library


Eagle's Nest




Our Room


Back of Building


Fire Pit