Moving On

Everyone around me keeps moving on with their lives, while I am stuck here in this pit of sadness, anger, and guilt. My world has stopped turning, while others keep on going. Chad and I ask people to go do things with us, to get out of the house, but they always already have plans or just want to stay home. Do you guys realize that our home is a constant reminder of what we lost. We shouldn't even be calling to ask you guys. You guys should be calling to ask if we had the boys yet, or asking to come over and see them. If they were here, you would be dropping everything in your life to come see them. I feel like I am being left behind. I am so angry with everyone. I am so angry at God for taking everything I was looking froward to. My life fell apart, and my heart is breaking. Just this once can I please have a second chance? I know this could all be fixed.

Birth Certificates

The birth certificates came. I expected them becuase we requested them, but it is bittersweet. It breaks my heart. These are the only things I have in memory of my children. On the other hand, it is another thing that proves they lived. I love seeing their names written on paper.

Meltdown

Today was a horrible day. Normally I wouldn't share, but you guys need to know that even though I always put a smile on my face, sometimes it is a mask. I created the blog for this reason. I was suppose to work at Gymboree today. I ask Chad to meet me for lunch at the mall before my shift. When I got to the mall I had a meltdown. There were pregnant women and babies just surrounding me. My attention turned to this one particular women. She was about 8 months pregnant and I had met her before in Gymboree. I knew she was having a boy. When a spotted her, I broke down. I cried the whole time Chad ate his lunch. I was so upset, I couldn't even eat. I finally asked Chad to take me out to the car. I just knew everyone in the mall had their eyes fixed on me, wondering what was wrong. I finally calmed down enough to call by boss to let her know I couldn't come in. She was totally understanding, and even called me back to make sure I got home okay. Chad also had to leave work to come home with me. After crying for another hour, I finally fell asleep. All the emotions from the first day came rushing back. I felt like it had just happened all over again. I couldn't even tell you what set me off, maybe it was the meeting last night, but sometimes it is nothing. I just miss my boys so much. I can't help thinking that is should not be this way. I would do anything to bring them back to me. I would give anything to just hold them one last time. Now I am just waiting on my sign from them. I am waiting for Parker and Gavin to let me know they are alright. I want to believe that they are alive and well somewhere else. I want to believe that they are with all the other angels, and that one day we will be a family again. I miss you Parker and Gavin. My love flies to you tonight on angels wings.

Blame Game

I know I haven't posted in a while. I tried to keep myself busy. Every time I let myself get bored my mind starts racing. I think about all the stuff I should be doing right now. I would have never been bored again with two children. There are so many different scenarios that run through my mind. I know I wasn't due until August 8th, but the boys would be coming anyday. It would have been a miracle if they would had made it full term. I just don't know. Life wasn't suppose to be this way. All I look forward to now is my support group meetings, which is sad. I truley have no talents, I'm not kidding. I thought I was put here on this earth to raise children. That is the only thing I am good at, and I have been doing it my whole life. But now that was taken away from me. The only thing I live for was taken from me. Now what do I have to live for? All I can think about is why us? What did we do to deserve this? Maybe we we are too young. Maybe we weren't ready for children. But then again, we are good people. We work and go to school. We have good heads on our shoulders. So what is it?

And the blame game. Don't even get me started. I can't help but to blame myself. The doctor told me that when I had contratcions I would know. Then why the hell did I not know? I knew I was in pain. Why did I try to be strong and suck it up? I knew something could have been wrong, but I chose to go to the mall instead of the hospital. Who does that? If they saw my cervix was opening, there are tons of things they could do. It was even better odds since both boys were perfect and my water didn't even break. When the pain first started I should have went in. Actually I should have went when my mucus plug came out. How could you not blame yourself knowing all this?

Showing Compassion

This week we had our monthly meetings. Everyone was talking about how their family and friends were not really there for them. Their families think that it is better to leave them alone and not talk about it. As they talked, I sat and thought about what they were saying. I realized that only a couple people called to check on me. The people I expected to be there, haven't said a word. I need to talk about the boys, and I shouldn't have to call you to tell you what to say to me. Parker and Gavin are my children, and will always be a part of my life. If you can't feel comfortable talking about the boys, than I'm sorry. You aren't apart of our lives. This was not just a pregnancy. They were real people. They were sweet little babies. And a lot of people don't realize, but the boys were alive. They lived for a couple of minutes. We held them as they slowly passed. I don't mean to be rude, by all means, but if you really love and care for Chad and I, you will respect and acknowledge Parker and Gavin. Do what you would be doing if they were still here with us.

Wall of Angels

Cara Tyrrell, Founding Director of Share Southern Vermont, Inc, has created a wall of angels. When I found this website, I immediately wanted my babies picture up with all their angel friends. I wanted to share the wall with all of you. To add your angel go to http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/2009/06/siblings.html.

Parker and Gavin are in the top, left corner.

Thanks Cara. You are doing a great thing.

Don't Forget DAD!

Father's Day is around the corner. Chad is the daddy to beautiful twin angel boys. Do not ever forget that. This time is bittersweet for Chad, but it could also get uncomfortable. All Chad asks is for you to acknowledge him and the boys. Another big thing. Please use their names. Show respect for Chad, Parker, and Gavin. This time is hard for all of us. So all I ask is to please acknowledge Chad this Father's Day. He is a father, and a wonderful one at that.