Should be posting more

I should be posting more, and I am not sure why I don't. Everything is fine with us. I miss my boys terribly, and that will never change. I think about them everyday. Chad and I are getting married, and planning the wedding for next summer. Which is really exciting. I just wish our boys could join us. We are also finally moving out of his parents house. So our lives are still moving on, and we just have to take our boys right along with us. I don't want them to get left behind. I don't want to leave them in the past. I still have my breakdowns, but life is going alright for us right now. I need to make a goal to start posting more, so I promise I'll try.

Anger

I need some ideas to let this anger out of me. I have tried some writing, but that is not helping. Does anybody have ideas?

Hard time

I am having such a hard time right now. I have no idea what is going on, but I am feeling so overwhelmed and stressed out. Some people in IRL are annoying the hell out of me. I am hating my living conditions. Nothing seems to be going my way. Even the little things.

I am also tired of seeing twins. Are they ever going to go away. Everyone has twins to show off, but not me. Mine are gone. And Regis and Kelly are holding their annual Beautiful Baby Contest right now. I should be sending in my babies photos, but I'm not. Mine were taken from me.

I just miss my babies so much. Life was not suppose to go this way. I just want them back, safe in my arms.

Desperate Housewives

Has anyone been watching the new season. It is so sad. Lynette does lose one of the twins. The show that was on tonight, they talk about their true feelings of losing the baby, and it is exactly how I feel. I will always be thinking of how there should be two little boys running around. We will never get to meet our children. I wish things could be different. I want life to be the way I pictured it would be. I also wish I could put into words how I am feeling. Nobody in my real life can see my pain, or know that I am hurting. I am just so tired. I am going to try and get some sleep now.

Saying Goodbye to 2009

A new year is upon us. I am looking forward to what the new year has to offer. A new little girl on her way, and praying she makes it here safely. On the other hand, we have to leave 2009 in the past. Which means the day we lost Gavin and Parker. Courtney from The Peeks said it perfectly. 2009 was the year I became a mother. I don't want to leave that behind. I don't want my boys to become a thing in the past. Although that was the worst day in my life, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. These two sweet boys have been blessings in our lives. They have changed us for the better. I am grateful for the time I had with them, and even though they are gone love still lives on. It is bittersweet, but yet I guess everything is always going to be bittersweet.

Christmas

I haven't had the chance to post yet about Christmas. Chad and I went home to visit my family for Christmas. Which was so great. I didn't want to be anywhere else (well besides with my boys, but that is not possible). It was difficult knowing that Parker and Gavin were missing. Instead of Chad and I each holding a baby, I held my two year old cousin while she opened her gifts. That will be the hardest part of everything I do, knowing that something is missing. That sting will always be with me.

On the other hand, I did get some gifts in remembrance of Gavin and Parker. We got some ornaments and a solar powered cross to put at their grave. It was nice for people to acknowledge my pain.





Here is the tree that we put up for Parker and Gavin.


We also had Christmas cards done. I didn't know if I wanted to do them at first, but then I had to let everyone know that Gavin and Parker are still very much apart of of lives. Chad and I are holding their bears and blue flowers. I had four, two white and two blue, but you can only see three. Then we decided to only have the flowers in color so we colored all of them blue. Then on the back, we have a picture of just the bears and flowers.

Our friend is expecting

I just found out that a friend of Chad and mine is expecting. I am so upset. Why am I so upset? I should be happy for them, I guess. Even though we are expecting also, it is not the same. I just imagine Chad and I having our boys and everyone being crazy over them. Now they are going to have a baby around the same time. I sound crazy and I don't know how to put what I am feeling in words. It just should not be this way. Its not fair. I want my boys back. Why my sweet, innocent boys!