Saying Goodbye to 2009

A new year is upon us. I am looking forward to what the new year has to offer. A new little girl on her way, and praying she makes it here safely. On the other hand, we have to leave 2009 in the past. Which means the day we lost Gavin and Parker. Courtney from The Peeks said it perfectly. 2009 was the year I became a mother. I don't want to leave that behind. I don't want my boys to become a thing in the past. Although that was the worst day in my life, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. These two sweet boys have been blessings in our lives. They have changed us for the better. I am grateful for the time I had with them, and even though they are gone love still lives on. It is bittersweet, but yet I guess everything is always going to be bittersweet.

Christmas

I haven't had the chance to post yet about Christmas. Chad and I went home to visit my family for Christmas. Which was so great. I didn't want to be anywhere else (well besides with my boys, but that is not possible). It was difficult knowing that Parker and Gavin were missing. Instead of Chad and I each holding a baby, I held my two year old cousin while she opened her gifts. That will be the hardest part of everything I do, knowing that something is missing. That sting will always be with me.

On the other hand, I did get some gifts in remembrance of Gavin and Parker. We got some ornaments and a solar powered cross to put at their grave. It was nice for people to acknowledge my pain.





Here is the tree that we put up for Parker and Gavin.


We also had Christmas cards done. I didn't know if I wanted to do them at first, but then I had to let everyone know that Gavin and Parker are still very much apart of of lives. Chad and I are holding their bears and blue flowers. I had four, two white and two blue, but you can only see three. Then we decided to only have the flowers in color so we colored all of them blue. Then on the back, we have a picture of just the bears and flowers.

Our friend is expecting

I just found out that a friend of Chad and mine is expecting. I am so upset. Why am I so upset? I should be happy for them, I guess. Even though we are expecting also, it is not the same. I just imagine Chad and I having our boys and everyone being crazy over them. Now they are going to have a baby around the same time. I sound crazy and I don't know how to put what I am feeling in words. It just should not be this way. Its not fair. I want my boys back. Why my sweet, innocent boys!

Faith's Lodge

Faith's Lodge was so beautiful. It is hard to put into words. It was so relaxing. I needed the time to get away from the "real" world. For a whole week I did not touch my phone or computer. I talked to no one from my real life. It was a whole week focused on my children.

Faith's lodge was in the middle of the country, surrounded by tress. It has eight guest rooms, a great room, library, dining room, kitchen, craft room, toy room for children, movie room, eagles nest (relaxing room), and an indoor porch. All of the rooms are heated my fireplace. Outside they have a lake, basketball court, fire pit, and a path of inspiration trail. Dinner was served every night. There was a continental breakfast every morning. For lunch all the food was provided and you could cook whatever you liked. You could also go to the local restaurants anytime you wanted. There was also a craft schedule every day that focused on your children. You could participate in as little or as much as you wanted. We also had one support group.

We met some great people while we were at Faith's Lodge. It was weird to leave, but we will stay in contact. You can go to Faith's Lodge website to find out more details and found a time that is right for you to visit this wonderful place. I wish there were more of these places around. Well enough of me talking here are the pictures.


Front of Faith's Lodge


Front Desk


This is the front table where we put on children's pictures and momentum's.




Great Room


Kitchen


Part of Dinning Room


Movie Room


Library


Eagle's Nest




Our Room


Back of Building


Fire Pit

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to wish everyone a peaceful Thanksgiving. It is hard to be thankful when your world has been taken from you. I miss Parker and Gavin more than words can say. I know it is hard for people to understand what Chad and I are going through, but they have to give us our space. Maybe some day I will find meaning as to why our boys were taken from us, but as of today I am still hurting beyond what words can explain.

Gavin and Parker, I hope you boys are having a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I know you are watching down from up above. Mommy and daddy love you with all our hearts.

Ramblings

I think about posting every day because I have so much to say, but I just don't know how to put what I am feeling into words. I just feel like I am all alone in this. It is a strange feeling that I cannot explain. Nobody mentions the boy's anymore. that even the people who were always there in the beginning. Working at Gymboree, I have seen two set of twins in the last couple of weeks. Both times I started crying, and nobody says anything. Do I had the pain so well that everyone thinks I have forgotten about Parker and Gavin?

I have nightmares all night long. When I wake up, I feel like I have been up all night. It is emotionally draining. They are always about the boys. It is either reliving their birth/death, or a family member doing something wrong, to someone else living the life I should be living right now.

Again, I am dreading the Holidays. The funeral home that helped us with boys sent be a booklet about the holidays. One section talks about giving yourself permission to do what you feel is right. "A good rule is-if it hurts, don't do it. If it is so painful that you cannot think about it without reacting, then leave it alone for a time." It also tells you to be where you are the most comfortable. I feel this way, and some people do not understand why I can't be around them. I cannot explain why I am more comfortable in some settings and not in others. There are just some people that I feel more relaxed around, and it doesn't mean that I don't like anyone less, or that those people did anything wrong. My family and friends don't seem to grasp this point. The book tells you to go to those spots you are comfortable with, and don't feel guilty about it. "You may forget with whom you laughed, but you will never forget with whom you wept." I need to find somewhere I feel safe and comfortable, and I am not yet sure where that is.

On the bright side, Chad and I are going to Faith's Lodge next week. It is a place for bereaved families to go and just escape from the real world. I am so ready for it. I need to just get away and spend a whole week focused on Parker and Gavin. I will be sure to you guys all about it and post pictures when we get back.

I have still been reading the blogs, but I hope everyone is doing alright.

Hard time lately

These last few days have been hard. I miss my boys so much. I don't understand why they had to be taken from us. I watch Grey's Anatomy and I missed the second episode of this season, so I watched it online today. It is all about grief, and I cried through the whole thing. It touched on exactly I feel. I just want to get away, but I have no where to go. And the holidays. Man I don't even want to think about that. I want to be alone because I know nobody will understand. Everyone is going to be excited and happy because they should around the holidays, but I'm not. My children should be here with me, but what am I going to do. I can't even lock myself in my own house because right now we are staying with Chad's parents. My life is such a mess right now. I am so overwhelmed with everything.

Today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, as many of you know. I am so mad at myself for not posting it on here so my family could light candles in remembrance of Gavin and Parker. Anyway I lit every candle in the house for the boys and all the other baby angels. Sadly it wasn't even close to covering all of them. For the whole hour I listened to the boys music and looked at their pictures. I wrote a letter to them and cried the whole time. I think I needed that cry. I saw a couple people posted this video on their blogs, and I wanted to share it with my family and friends. It is from the Stillbirth Foundation in Australia. This video sums it all up. In Australia SIX babies die every day. Just imagine the number in the United States.



I received a comment from Bree to say that she made butterflies in memory of the boys. They are absolutely beautiful, and I love them. That couldn't have came at a better time. I also asked her to send them to me, so I can keep them. I don't know what I would do without my babylost momma friends. Thank you Bree.