6 months

Today was 6 months from the day we said hello and goodbye to Parker and Gavin. We went home this weekend to visit the boys and we got a nice surprise. We were at the grave side and out of nowhere here come two dogs. They came right up to us. They let us pet them for just a few seconds and then they were gone. Nobody else was in the cemetery.It was our boys coming to just say hi. They were letting us know that they are alright. We miss them so much. I cannot believe it has been 6 months already. It feels like it just happen yesterday.

Pictures & Good News

I finally put all the pictures on the computer so here we go.

Here is the Angel of hope where our brick was placed.








Chad's brother also got married, so here is a picture of Chad and I in front of the ice sculpture.



So now for the good news. Chad and I found out we are expecting again. I am only 6 weeks. I created another blog for the new baby because I want this one to be left for only Parker and Gavin. We all love them and I will never let anyone forget them. So the new blog is www.rainbowbaby1.blogspot.com

Awhile

It has been a long time since I have wrote. Anger has just consumed me. I cannot post all my feelings on here for fear of hurting other people. So I keep them between my groups and therapist.

I have been keeping myself really busy. I am taking a full schedule at school, and every shift available at work I take. I still read the blogs every day. But it seems that every time I read them I just get sick to my stomach, and I can't write.

A few weeks ago we got our brick at the angel of hope. I have been to lazy to put pictures on computer, but I will get to it. The brick reads: Sweet Baby Boys Parker & Gavin Lewis 4-4-09. The ceremony was very nice.

I ran across a poem on the Share message boards that I would like to share. Here it is.
I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today

I feel like I am just singing the same old song, I feel like people just want the old me back, but that will never happen. I am who I am now, and people need to get used to that. I know many people are surprised by how I act. They never thought I had it in me to be so angry. They have no idea what I am going through. I really do not wish this on anybody, but if it ever happens to one of them, I know they will be apologizing to me for treating me the way they do.

No matter what happens, I am never going to let people forget about Parker and Gavin. They are our first children, they are the first grandchildren, and nobody will ever take that away from them. I'll be damn sure about that.I better go before the anger comes out, and god forbid I upset somebody. Thank you to all my blog friends for understanding and listening to me vent.

Our 4th Anniversary

I didn't get a change to post yesterday, but it was Chad and my 4th anniversary. It was a good relaxing day. I just can't believe we have been together for four years. It has been a great, but hard road. I know we can survive this though. We have a good and strong relationship, which I think is great for our age. He is a great guy, and I really couldn't ask for more. I am so thankful for him. Chad is my best friend. I love him so much.

Sign

Chad got a sign from Parker and Gavin yesterday, or at least we believe it is a sign. Chad and I find comfort in listening to music, so we downloaded a bunch of them that dealt with the loss of children. One of them was Elton John, Blessed. Chad was listening to his Ipod at work and he had it on shuffle. That song came on, and when it was over it just started again. Chad said in all his life he has never had the same song play twice in a row when it was on shuffle. I think that is so great that our boys are watching over their daddy. Got the first sign from them letting him know they are alright. I can't wait for my sign.

Thank you sweet boys, for letting Daddy know you are with him.

EDD

Well today, or I guess yesterday now, was my expected due date, August 8. As most of you know this day is the hardest ever. Right now I should be having two beautiful little boys. The day was an alright day overall. This morning I had a little meltdown, but the rest of the day was good. Chad and I tried to go hiking, but of course the was a heat advisory so that just made it miserable. So after walking for all about fifteen minutes lol, we went to see The Hurt Locker, which is in the top three best war movies. After that we went down on Main Street in St. Charles and did a little shopping at the antique stores. For dinner, we grabbed Subway and went to eat at the Angel of Hope. The Angel of Hope is a child statue with wings, and a place of healing for bereaved parents. You can buy a brick to be engraved and placed there. Our brick will be there in October so pictures to come. But there is a picture below of the angel with two white roses for the boys. Of course with our luck there was a wedding going on there, so that kinda rushed us.

Also, while we were there Chad gave me a set if rings. They are two rings intertwined with the boys' names stamped on there. It is so cool. When I figured out a way to get a picture of it I will post, but for now here is the website. www.nelleandlizzy.com For the rest of the night we just played cards with Chad's parents and their friends. So overall it was a good day, but I missed my boys like crazy.

Parker and Gavin, mommy and daddy miss you so much. Remember sweet babies, let Jesus hold you until mommy and daddy can hold you. We Love You!

4 month Angelversary

Today is Parker and Gavin's 4 month angelversary. Life is just so different from what I had imagine. Right now in my dreams I would have two newborn babies at home. I should be runnning on a few hours a of sleep and going crazy because they won't stop crying. Instead I am running on a few hours of sleep and going crazy because the pain of them not being here is unbearable. I miss them so much, more than anything. I would do and give anything to just hold them for one more day. All I can do is wish that one day I will again.