Birthday Party

Tonight, Chad's family had a mixed birthday party for every one's birthday in July. Mine happens to be in July. It was a really nice gesture, but this birthday is not one for celebrating. My boys should be here with us. Chad's grandma brought her little dog, and everyone was fusing over her. Everybody should be fusing over newborn twins. Parker and Gavin are our first children, first grand children, and the first set of twins. You can imagine how much attention they would have gotten. Now they don't get any attention. It just hurts so much. I miss them more than anything, and every where I go I think that they should be here with us.

The Things Kid's Say

So I have started this job, and it is kinda like a nanny. I am helping out a women who is raising five children all on her own. Well, the kids and I were coming back from McDonald's, and the youngest one ask if I had a trash can. I said, "No, I don't keep one in my car," and they told me that their mom does. I said if I had five little ones, I would too. Then the youngest said, "Yeah she doesn't have any kids."

That stung. Of course they don't know any better, and they don't know about Parker and Gavin, but it hurt. I immediately told them that I do have two babies. Then the questions started. Which I kinda regretted saying anything, but I felt like I owed it to the boys. I answered their questions, but then let it go. I never told them that they passed. I didn't know how to respond to them. Maybe I should have said nothing, but my first reaction was to say, "Yes, I do have children."

Raising Awareness

I got these two articles from Bree's blog. These articles were published in the Washtoning Post. I want my family and friends to read these.

Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness

Even Doctors Avoid Talking About Stillbirth

Difficult Day

Chad and I are moving soon, so I had to pack up the babies room. It is really diffcult. Man they would be coming any day. I just sit here and picture me juggling all the needs of two babies. I see all these little outfits and tons of diapers, and I know I can't use them. I should be using them right now. All these things were meant for Parker and Gavin, but now they go into storage for the next child that might come along. I can't give them away, and to tell you the truth, I don't even want the next child to use them. We bought them for Parker and Gavin. When will I get to the point when I can think about them and not cry? Will that point ever come?

Names in the Sand

I just received the pictures from Carly of the boys' names written in the sand. I love this idea. It is not permanent, but just like the boys, it is here for a minute and then gone. But for a brief moment the world is a little different because of them. This was the perfect thing to cheer me up today.

Thank you so much Carly.

3 Months

Today is three months from the day that our precious boys, Parker and Gavin, came into this world, and then went home to Heaven. We miss them so much, and think about them everyday. Today is also July 4th, and the day will be spent with family and friends. We love you, Parker and Gavin. Happy 4th of July.

Everywhere

Everywhere I go and everything I do, the wound is just opened again. Do you remember the women I talked about last Thursday? Well I have seen her four times in the store. Nobody ever comes in that often. It is also all over TV. For instance, I watch Gilmore Girls every day, I have since I could remember. Well now they are showing reruns of the newer season. Two of the girls on the show are pregnant, and get this-one is having twin boys! I don't get it. Why doesn't someone just stick a knife in my heart? It would be a lot less painful. Having twins is such a unique thing, and I will never get the chance to raise them. Since when did it become entertainment? I just don't get why it has to be thrown in my face all the time.